How to annoy Lord Voldiekins 101
by peter-pan-equals-luv
Summary: Basically three young witches proceed to annoy Voldiepoo to the brink of... erm, whatever. Written by Moosk and me. Warnings for mild language and alcoholic content.
1. Voldemort meets his minions

**A/N: Since the original story was deleted by I'm reposting this and not making it a list.**

**Voldemort meets his minions**

Voldemort stalked the corridors of his empty estate. In the dour mood he was always in, his menacing presence filled his minions with dread. And these were the Death Eaters we're talking about. Attempting to amuse himself, the Dark Lord changed direction abruptly and strode briskly to the empty dining hall where he knew his newer minions where gathered.

Dust gathered on the floor and table in thick layers. The air was stale and smelled of stale… things. A particularly interesting Death Eater-in-training was writing on her forearm with a big black marker. Draco Malfoy, who happened to be a new recruit as well, curiously positioned himself—though he was discrete, as a Malfoy shouldn't be so obvious—behind her and read "VOLDIE-POO".

"You realize he'll kill you for that." An elegant eyebrow raised itself.

"Does that look right to you? That is how you would spell that, right?" She asked, not paying attention to Draco's indignant look at being ignored.

The doors at the far end of the room burst open and in stormed the resident evil overlord. The recruits froze instantly. None of them where wearing their masks or robes, and He-who-has-a-really-long-title glowered at their street clothes. Instantly his eyes were drawn to the girl with her legs propped up on the table. She was admiring her left forearm, and as he drew nearer the black letters stood out. His red eyes widened slightly then grew to slits.

"What. Does. That. Say?" His voice was barely above a whisper. Each word was emphasized and dripped with deathly… death.

"IT'S NOT LIKE IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BESIDES YOU, Y'KNOW!" She slammed her fist on the table, sending a giant dust cloud rolling out and stormed out of the hall. Voldemort blinked, coughed as he inhaled some dust, and looked bewildered at Draco.

"Voldie… poo?" Draco shrugged. "Who was she?"

"Dunno."

"Remind me to put her near the front of my list of people to maim."

"Yes sir."


	2. Voldie gets a treat

**Voldie gets a treat**

"Give me that back!" Voldemort whined as he fought with his young recruit. Her hand was holding him back, palm flat against where his nose should be. In her other hand was the object of Voldemort's desire. A lollipop.

"No! Bad Voldie! I told you, killing is not on the list of good activities!" She licked the candy, which happened to be cherry flavored. It was his personal favorite.

"But you gave it to me earlier!" He struggled harder as she began gnawing at the sugarcoated heaven on a stick. "Give it back before I curse you into oblivion!"

"You were bad! Don't make me get the newspaper!" And she was right. Voldemort had indeed been bad. Just this morning he had destroyed 4 muggle cars, a coffee shop, the local McDonald's, and a bakery. But not before he had stolen a cheesecake. Boy, did he love cheesecakes. But I digress.

"Then why'd you give it to me in the first place? This is cruel!"

"You helped that muggle woman cross the street." Voldemort cringed as she bit off the better half of the lollipop. Then her statement reached his brain. His struggles stilled. He looked at her with a confused, untrusting expression on his hideous face.

"I _threw_ her across the street. She died on impact with a bike rack"

"And _that's_ why I took it away." She finished the sucker and gave the stick to a seriously peeved Dark Lord.


	3. Delivery for the Dark Lord

**Delivery for the Dark Lord**

Beep. Beep. Beep. Be—crack. A gnarled and old hand crushed the muggle alarm clock. As Voldemort retracted his hand slowly a thought occurred to him. This thought was so strange that he had to voice it.

"When the hell did I get an alarm clock?" After thirty-second's worth of thinking he concluded that his crazed minion had put it in his chambers while he was sleeping.

Another thought occurred to him, and he couldn't resist.

"Why haven't I killed her yet?"

"Because you need the hired help." The second voice frightened him, and he fell from his bed, a tangled mess of evil and pink sheets. "Oh, yeah. Delivery!" A man in brown khaki shorts and a brown shirt that bore the logo "UPS" sang.

"You! Ups man! What are you doing? You are in the chambers of the Dark Lord!" The man checked his clipboard and nodded.

"Yep. Delivery for the Dark Lord. Sign here." He bent over and offered Voldemort a pen. He grudgingly took it and scribbled "Die filthy muggles" across the top. The Ups man handed him a brown package and left the evil lord to his demise.

Voldemort cautiously opened the package, hoping he wasn't about to open something that would give him grief. Once the flaps of the box were opened his eyes narrowed.

"I'll kill her."

Staring Voldemort in the face were cookies. Shaped like Harry Bleeding Potter. Little did Voldemort know that this interlude with Jim the Ups Man would become a routine experience. For the next six months.


	4. Voldie gets a doll

**Voldie gets a doll**

After the Cookie Incident as it was later known as, Voldemort thought he was safe. Surely his crazy minion had the capacity to leave him alone. She had caught him with his pants down. But not anymore. He was prepared for anything. Well, _almost_ anything.

This morning had found the Dark Lord sleeping in, unconsciously missing his exchange with Jim. It's not like he had become sentimental or anything. He usually got his weather report from Jim. But today the wizard slept. And lucky for him, because he was going to need his energy.

At nine Voldemort decided to grace his Death Eaters with his presence for breakfast. There were only four at the table, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, and the unnamed bane of Voldemort's existence.

"Mornin'." Snape nodded over his cup. Voldemort nodded in return and walked over to the cupboard. He had a strange craving for hot chocolate. Opening the cupboard that hadn't actually been used in 20 years or so, he nearly had a heart attack. Staring at him was a Harry Potter doll. Its green eyes twinkled at him.

"Ah, that's where I put it!" The only girl in the house got up and handed the doll to her master. She smiled brightly and walked out of the kitchen. There was an awkward silence that hung tensely in the air.

"Sir…" Draco trailed off, forgetting his last thought as the Dark Lord viciously ripped the head off of the Harry Potter doll. He stormed out of the room, presumably to maim his minion, and left a trail of stuffing behind him.

"Looks like she got moved up on that list, then." Snape drawled as he downed the last hot chocolate in the house.


	5. Ways to awaken a Dark Lord

**Ways to awaken a Dark Lord (or just seriously peeve him off…)**

The theme song from "Itchy and Scratchy" played loudly throughout the house. Voldemort covered his head with his pillow. He wasn't entertained. This was day 76 of the torture of choice. The Dark Lord decided he really despised muggle cartoons. Really, really despised them. So much, in fact, that he was about ready to smash in the contraption that played that stupid song.

"Death Eaters! Stop that music right now!" The music continued to play. Growling, the man got up, put on some pants over his pink boxers, and stomped downstairs. "Death Eaters!" The sound of a hockey stick being shoved through a television could be heard echoing through the estate.

Lucius sniffed. "My hockey stick… Why was my hockey stick sacrificed?"

Snape sniffed. "My TV… now how am I gonna watch the season finale of GilmoreGirls?"

Voldemort shot him an evil look, spun on his heel, and marched back upstairs.


	6. Voldie gets Smooches and a Name

**Voldie gets Smooches and a Name**

"I was only doing what the note said!" Bellatrix Lestrange was cowering in fear of the Dark Lord as he raised his wand threateningly. At her words, however, he paused.

"What… note?" He eyed her closely then pulled her up by her shirt collar.

"The one on your back."

"Did it occur to you that maybe I didn't _know_ there was a note on my back?" He shook her.

"It might've."

"I hate you." He dropped the distressed woman and turned his robes around. There, stuck to his back with a piece of duct tape, was a note. It said "Kiss me, I'm evil" in a handwriting he recognized. The paper crumpled in his trembling hand.

"Stupid git…" Bellatrix breathed a sigh of relieve as her master stalked away. At least he hadn't…

"Crucio!" Never mind.

Voldemort was pissed. Oh, man, was he _pissed_. As he rushed through the halls to the dungeons where he knew he'd find the brat he ran through the events of the morning in his head. Girl and Snape in kitchen. Snape drinking latte. Girl pats Dark Lord's back. Snape chokes on latte. Of course.

The door to the dungeons slammed open, creating a chip in the stone wall. Snape quickly

hid something behind his back and elbowed his companion.

"You!" Voldemort grabbed Snape by the throat. He shook violently. In the corner the new recruit snickered.

"No! I didn't do it! It was Moosk!" This stopped the violence. Shortly, at least.

"Of course you didn't! It's revenge for missing the sea—wait. Who the hell is Moosk?" Snape gasped for air and pointed at the girl in hysterics sitting in the corner.

"Oh, is that your name?" Moosk nodded. "It's about time you got a name." Moosk again nodded. This action reminded him of his previous engagement, and he resumed shaking Snape's brains out. While Voldemort was distracted Moosk walked over to him and planted a big wet kiss on his cheek.

"STOP THAT!"


	7. Voldie gets Flowers and a New Recruit

**Voldie gets Flowers and a New Recruit**

"Wormtail…" The Dark Lord sat back against his chair, sipping some evil brew in an abandoned house near his family's mansion.

"Y-y-yes, m'lord?" His minion squeaked, cowering like the rat he was in a corner.

"Extend your arm. We're calling a meeting." Wormtail reluctantly exposed his arm to his lord and held back a gasp of pain as the Dark Mark was activated. Almost instantly the room was filled with Death Eaters clad in black robes and masks. They gathered in a circle around the seated Voldemort and bowed. He stood and stalked around the room.

"My loyal followers. It comes to my attention that our activities have been, well, put bluntly, less than evil lately. Snape, when was the last time you murdered a muggle?" One figure tilted his head in contemplation.

"I dunno, maybe a month from last Tuesday?" Voldemort frowned.

"Exactly! The Order is becoming suspicious. They think we're up to something." Another figure raised his hand.

"And that's… bad?" Voldemort growled and pulled the mask off of none other than Lucius Malfoy.

"Yes! The problem is that we're NOT up to something! We haven't been for ages! We're going soft!"

"That sounds like a personal problem." Jim the Ups man said standing beside Voldemort.

"Woah! Jim the Ups man, where'd you come from!" An eyebrow or two raised themselves among the group.

"Oh, right. Delivery!" It was then that the most feared wizard in the world noticed the bundle of flowers his brown, khaki-clad friend was holding.

"White roses!"

"Yep. Gotta card too. Says 'Sorry I couldn't make it. Recruiting. Not really, but that's my excuse. Love, Moosk.' Sign here please." Voldemort signed it, took the flowers, and bit off a bud.

"Recruiting my a—"

"Look, here she comes now!" Lucius shouted over the peeved Lord's statement. And indeed here she did come. Dressed in a lilac and baby blue robe, toting another girl behind her. This one was dressed in a dark green robe. Voldemort gave the girls a death glare and shook his fist at them.

"Where the hell were you! I called a meeting! Every Death Eater should be here when I call the damn meeting!" At this point he was fuming. And spiting all over the girls.

"Chill, Voldie. This is JD. She's your newest recruit." She wiped away a bit of saliva that had found her face. "And say it, don't spray it." JD smiled and nodded.

"Well, you work on that problem, and we'll go bake cookies." The new girl turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on her arm. She turned to look at Draco.

"Can you make some chocolate chip? I love chocolate chip cookies." At this, other members nodded, and several quiet agreements could be heard.

"NO MORE OF THOSE POTTER COOKIES!"

As the door closed behind them JD whispered behind her hand, "Is it working?"

"You can't begin to imagine! Did you see that vein popping out of his forehead?"

"Yeah, I thought it was going to explode when I mentioned cookies."

"I must say, that list is by far your best idea yet!"

"And that's saying something!"


	8. Of Screams and Cameras

**A/N: Well, I wasn't going to update until later this week, but after receiving a threat on my life :cough amberhawk cough: I decided it would be best to update real quick. Also, after chapter 15, the updates won't be as frequent as Sabrina has been too busy to write more. Those of you who had originally read the list this is based on: I will be trying to write some Episodes all by me oneies, but it'll be in a different order.**

**Of Screams and Cameras**

"Hush!" JD clamped a hand over Moosk's mouth to stifle the inevitable giggles. The girls were standing beside a large canister of helium. On the table in the kitchen were several balloons, charmed to be unpopable. Harry Potter's face was neatly pictured on each. It was 3 am at HQ and already trouble was brewing.

At exactly 3:45 am every morning Voldemort woke up from a deep sleep to piss. You could set your watch by him. Although that would be rather odd. The girls had little over half an hour to carry out their latest scheme.

"I can't wait to see his face when he wakes up!" Moosk whispered excitedly as she filled the first balloon. Harry Potter smiled at her and she grinned back.

"I've got a camera. I'm thinking we put this picture on the greeting cards this Christmas." JD pulled a muggle camera from her robes and rubbed it affectionately.

By the time all the balloons were filled and the camera had been stroked it was 3:40. With 5 minutes to go they crept up the stairs to Voldemort's room. Strategically placing the balloons around his bed and tying them to the bedposts, at 3:44, JD and Moosk hid themselves. The camera was set in place, hidden in the Dark Lord's undie drawer.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Voldemort sat up in bed, a look of drowsiness on his hideous face. He turned as if mechanically, stood, stumbled out of the room, and several seconds later a tinkling sound and a sigh of relief could be heard. Then he was back in the room, nodding to Harry before slipping back in the covers. Moosk's eyebrows knitted in concern and she turned to JD.

The green-clad witch held up three fingers and mouthed "Three, two, one." Voldemort's eyes popped open as he shot up in the bed. Harry Potter was everywhere. In front of him, beside him, right above him. Voldemort opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and screamed like a little girl.

When asked later none of the Death Eaters could describe the horrified screech that had woken them, but several claimed they could hear giggling coming from somewhere close by, and perhaps the snap of a camera.


	9. Of Halloween and Nightmares

**A/N: Another threat on my life, another chapter. I could always be persauded to post another one before the end of the weekend...**

**Of Halloween and Nightmares**

"Dude, since when have we had annual Halloween parties? What have I been missing?" Snape propped his legs up on the coffee table. He was holding a decorated card with a pumpkin on it. "How stupid." He crumpled it up and threw it at the wastebasket. He missed. "Dammit."

"Snape!" A high voice chimed. Snape groaned. In walked JD and Moosk. He couldn't help it and groaned again. "Snape, darling, what are you wearing to the party?" Moosk, in her blue plaid nightclothes, leaned against Snape's head.

The man sighed and made a move to push the girl over. He missed and somehow ended up lying under the table with a black eye. JD smirked. "Well, we were thinking of being Harry Potter and Ron Weasley." Snape's eye twitched.

"You won't do that if you want to live."

"Fine. Maybe not. We'll be clowns."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"… Good point." As this exchange was taking place, Moosk was looking through the refrigerator for edible food. Finding none, she settled for some leftover pizza. Voldemort had entered the room, searched the fridge as well, and taken the pizza from Moosk.

"What do you think I should go as?" Voldemort asked as he ate Moosk's slice, which she had conveniently spat on before he took it from her. JD grinned, walked over to the Dark Lord, and put an arm around his shoulders. Or at least tried to. She wasn't quite tall enough to reach that high.

"You know what would make you look super evil?"

"What? Tell me, woman!"

"Go as a fairy."

The Evil One raised an eyebrow and fell silent. Snape tried to stifle his laughter behind ahand.

"No, really dude, it'd totally make you the creepiest thing in the house. I mean, think. When was the last time you saw anything scarier than a fairy?" Moosk, for once, made perfect sense. And that's saying something.

"I… suppose… you're right. Yes. Yes, I shall go as a fairy! And I shall be the scariest being in the house!" JD nodded, diverting Voldemort's attention from Moosk, who was supporting herself on the table, shaking from laughter.

And indeed he was. Every one of the Death Eaters was scarred for life after that fateful Halloween party. Hell, you'd be too if you'd seen Voldemort in pink tights and a tutu.


	10. Of Birthday Parties and Streamers

**A/N: After Amberhawk started threating me (by singing Barney, who totally creeps me out), I decided it would be best to update... Hopefully, Barney will stay out of my nightmares tonight... :shudders: Barney...**

**THIS WILL BE THE LAST UPDATE FOR THE WEEKEND... unless I get 10 reviews.**

**Of Birthday Parties and Streamers**

It was another day at HQ. Another raining, cold, boring day at HQ. Which automatically meant that JD and Moosk were scheming.

"Hey, think we should call a meeting?" Moosk asked, her sentence punctuated by thuds as she swung her feet against the cabinets she was sitting on.

"Nah. We'd be better off to tell some moron—Hey, Lucius! Buddy, pal, baby, sweetheart!" Malfoy raised his elegantly plucked eyebrow.

"… Yes…?"

"Look, we weren't going to tell anyone this," JD looked around and motioned Lucius to come closer to her, "but our Lord's birthday is in a week. Moosk over there and I were thinking." At this Lucius paled.

"Oh no."

"No, nothing like that. We were hoping that everyone could get together, and hopefully throw him a surprise party. I mean, he loves surprises, right?"

"No."

"Right, he _adores_ them! So, call everyone you know, and we'll get right on it!" Luciuswas shaking his head no, but before he could protest Moosk had kicked him out of the door.

Several floo trips later, every Death Eater not imprisoned or incapacitated was sitting in the kitchen at HQ.

"Right! Now, Chief's birthday is soon. He loves surprises. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" A masked dunderhead (probably Crabbe) raised his hand. Moosk nodded to him.

"We put a rabid weasel in his shorts?" There was a pause.

"Er… no. JD and I were thinking more along the lines of… a surprise party." This raised more conversation. Nods and mumbles of agreement filled the room. "So, JD's got invitations. Don't let him find them. We can't ruin it for him." Crabbe again raised his hand. Moosk's eye twitched, but she acknowledged him.

"How old is he, anyway?"

"Er…" JD and Moosk exchanged looks.

"67."

"59." They glanced at each other.

"Really young."

"Older than dirt." Another look. Some Eaters were beginning to get suspicious.

"Look, that's not the point. He's between the ages of 9 and 500. Leave it at that."

"Now," JD clapped her hands together. "Who's bringing the streamers?"


	11. Ways to Kill a Dark Lord

**A/N: Alright, we're still one review short, but I'll be nice and give you the last update for the weekend. **

**Ways to Kill a Dark Lord**

Pink streamers hung from the decrepit ceiling. Balloons of bright and cheery colors filled the air space of a good portion of the mansion. Death Eaters wore sparkly party hats instead of their traditional masks. There were noisemakers and confetti all over the dinning room hall. It was June 5th.

The Dark and Evil Chief was sleeping in his chambers. Lately he had been getting an alarming amount of sleep. This, despite its appeal and the wonders it was doing for those bags under his eyes, was troubling. He knew something was up. Now it was just a matter of time before the you know what hit the fan.

"Voldie! C'mon! It's time to wake up!" He winced. JD came running into his bedroom, leapt, and landed on his bed, which happened to be a waterbed, and sent Voldemort flying. Sadly, he went a bit higher than she had anticipated and crashed into the ceiling. Plaster rained down on her head as she waited for her Lord to come down. There was a loud thud as he missed the bed.

"I hate you…"

"Yes sir. Time for breakfast, sir." Voldemort got up, brushed the white plaster from his shoulders, grabbed a robe, and followed the suspiciously cheery woman down stairs to the dinning hall.

"Shh! They're coming!" Moosk whispered, waved everyone into their hiding places, and dimmed the lights as she counted footsteps. As the dysfunctional pair reached the doors, Moosk moved out of the way.

"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled when the door opened. JD clapped her hands together, smiled at Voldemort, and did a double take when she didn't see him.

"Oh, that's not good." The man was on the floor, clutching his heart, his skin paler than normal and covered in sweat. "I think we gave him a heart attack." Lucius leaned over to Moosk.

"I told you he was too old for something like that."

"Well, now we know one sure-fire way to kill a Dark Lord. Throw him a party."

A few hours later after a seven-tier cake had been consumed and several kegs of beer had been drunken, JD and Moosk sat with Snape in the empty hall.

"So… it wasn't really his birthday was it?" Snape asked, slurring his words. He was quite drunk.

Moosk smiled and gave JD a high five. "Nah, it was mine. Just wanted to throw a party for myself."

**A/N: In other news, Sabrina (a.k.a. Moosk) is unable to work on the chapters/episodes right now due to some technical difficulties, so I have decided to give the readers a chance to write an episode. If you're interested, email me or tell me in a review.**

**I already have the chapters up to 19 written, but here's the next topic. The best story will be posted (the credit going to the writer, of course):**

**Whenever you're around him in a room, stare at him with a big smile on your face. When he says something to you about it, just say 'I have on new socks' and continue staring and smiling. **


	12. Autographs and Harry

**Autographs and Harry**

The former Tom Riddle sighed. He had been reduced to hiding in a broom closet to escape the constant annoyance that was JD. She had taken to following him everywhere, begging for an autograph. Being the evil man he was, he said no. Then the crying began. It was scary. A grown girl wailing her head off over a signature could unnerve anyone.

"Chief?" Voldemort ceased his musings for the time being and stilled, hoping she would walk away. "Chief, I know you're here somewhere. Just sign the damn picture and I'll leave you in peace!"

"For all time!" Immediately he slapped his hand over his mouth and regretted speaking.

"Ah-ha!" The closet door was wrenched open and JD stormed in. "Sign!" A picture ofVoldemort cackling was thrust into his face along with a pen.

"Fine, evil wench. But you'll leave me alone, right?"

"Yeah, sure." She then added under her breath, "for a while."

Angrily, the Dark Lord signed the picture. When he attempted to give it back, however, he was stopped.

"Make it out to Harry. I'm gonna give it to him for his birthday." Voldemort seethed.

He pointed to the door, which was closed, and said in a deadly quiet voice, "Get out of my closet."

"Only if you come out too." He ignored the innuendo and pointed at the door again. JD smiled, put a hand on the doorknob, and frowned. "Oh, _hell_."

Voldemort became alarmed. "What!"

"You're not gonna believe this, chief, but… ah, the door is… locked."

"NOOOO! HELP, LET ME OUT!" In his haste, he pushed JD out of his way and began pounding on the door. "LET ME OUT OF THIS DAMNED CLOSET!"

Wormtail was walking by the door during this interlude and smiled to himself.

"Amen to that, brother!"

No one knew how long they were in that closet before Bellatrix found them, but Harry was quite surprised on his birthday when he received a picture of his worst enemy, signed with a note saying something about how he should be grateful he moved out of the cupboard while he could.

**A/N: After receiving a rather amusing review from Amberhawk (btw, I sometimes review like that, but I use the characters from the books), I decided to be nice and update one last time. **

**Also, DON'T FORGET! The chance to write a chapter/episode is still avalible! **

**The topic is:**

Whenever you're around him in a room, stare at him with a big smile on your face. When he says something to you about it, just say 'I have on new socks' and continue staring and smiling. 

Send me your story and it might just be posted!

And now, to finish picking the onions out of my dinner...


	13. Of Ice Cream and Healthy Eating

**A/N: If you don't understand this chapter, tell me in a review and I'll try to clear it up.**

**Of Ice Cream and Healthy Eating**

The ever-popular ice cream truck drove by the abandoned house playing its famous tune in the eerie silence. Standing at the end of the driveway were JD and Moosk, each holding a quarter. As the truck came nearer JD began dancing from one foot to the other. Either she was impatient or she really had to pee.

"C'mon, c'mon!" Her companion smiled.

"It's not life or death, is it?"

"We need it for 13!" There was no denying it. Without ice cream there was no 13. The truck slowed to a stop in front of the girls. After a second's pause the side window opened and there stood none other than Jim the Ups man.

"Jim?" The girls chorused in unison.

"Yeah, it's a part time thing. Uh, whatdya want?"

"I'll have an old fashion strawberry cone." Moosk motioned to the picture on the window. It was 3 scoops tall in a waffle cone.

"Comin' up." A tower of sweetness was thrust into her hand a heartbeat later. "And you, missy?"

"Can I have an ice cream sandwich?"

"Here ya go."

"Thanks, Jim. Tell your wife we said hey."

"Will do." As Jim drove on the girls hiked back up to the mansion. Once inside, they went straight to the study where Voldemort was scheming. Well, he was throwing darts at a picture of Harry, but he was hoping his voodoo spell had worked. It could be considered research. Right?

"Hey Chief." JD ignored the growl that emanated from Voldemort's throat. "We brought ya somethin'!" Voldemort raised an eyebrow, and looked over his shoulder at the witches.

"What?"

"Ice cream!"

"I detest ice cream."

"That's alright. No MSG added."

"Oh, okay." He took the giant cone that was offered to him. The former Riddle began at

the top, savoring the cold treat. He stopped, however, when he felt two warm bodies right behind him. "May I help you?"

"Eat your vegetables." Voldemort did a double take.

"What?"

"Eat your vegetables or you won't get dessert."

"I don't have any vegetables."

"Oh, so you've already eaten them, then?"

"I never had them to begin with." He took a deep breath to calm himself.

"Carry on, then." The mantra 'I will not kill them, I will not kill them' ran through the Dark Lord's head as he flicked his wand and sent the girls flying out of the door.

"I need new lackies."

**A/N: Yes, you can sumit a topic for a story or even a story itself. If I approve of it, it could be posted!**

**HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I LOVE YOU ALL!**


	14. Of Diary Entries and Love Letters

**A/N: Ok, I had a sudden need to write at ONE THIRTY IN THE BLOODY MORNING (and had to get up at eight), so I managed to write a couple of chapters. Be afraid. Be very afraid.**

**Of Diary Entries and Love Letters**

_Dear diary,_

_Today was as hellish as usual. The new recruits have convinced themselves that the elder Malfoy has a "crush" on me. I have no idea what it means, as the phrase is American and muggle in origin. After reviewing my _American Muggle-English Wizard dictionary_ I have come to the conclusion that they believe he is infatuated with me. I don't believe them. They're up to something. As I was hiding in the upstairs broom closet (after I had someone look at the door handle), however, I did receive through the slit under the door a rather strange letter. Lucius signed it, and when I checked for forgery or any charms, the letter was clean. Anyway, here it is._

Dark Lord,

Every day I am called to your meetings. Every day I am required to bow before you. I come because I wish to be near you. I bow because I wish to please you. I cannot begin to express my love for you. It is deeper than the seas (even without all those sponges), truer than your hate for Potter (although with less hate and more love), and it consumes me!

Please, tell me you feel the same!

Your Loyal and Loving Servant,

Lucius Malfoy

_I do not know what to make of it. I have received several others like it, all apparently written by the Malfoy. I hate being an evil overlord sometimes. I never get to sit around and sigh like a schoolgirl in love. Well, I should probably call him. Or maybe torture him. Yes, that sounds meaner._

_Until tomorrow,_

_Tommy_

**A/N: Also, thank you to the person who visited my homepage (although you didn't sign the guestbook ;) ). You're welcome to visit anytime. I hope I didn't scare you...**


	15. Ways to Make a Gay Hairdresser Cry

**A/N: After, like, forever, I'VE FINALLY FOUND MY NOTEBOOKS! So all shall be well now!**

**Ways to Make a Gay Hairdresser Cry**

It was a brisk fall day out in the country, and the Death Eaters had been given permission to play outside in the back yard. Wormtail was supervising on the back porch. Snape was swinging in the tire swing hanging from the one tree in the yard. Moosk and JD were in the tree, Moosk playing with a pocketknife.

"What's Voldie-poo up to? Oh, hey, I rhymed!" JD congratulated herself silently as Moosk finished cutting the rope attached to the tire Snape was in. He fell forward into a puddle of mud.

"MOOSK!"

"Hey, answer my question!" Snape picked himself up and muttered a cleaning spell.

"He's scheming." Even though that was a lie. Voldemort had just walked out onto the porch and was watching the trio.

JD laughed. "He'll never come up with something good. Course, it'd be like taking candy from a baby for us." She motioned to Moosk, who was carving her initials in the tree. The younger witch stopped, looked up, locked eyes with the Dark Lord, and smiled.

"Yeah, no offense, but seriously, everyone knows Voldie's weakness! And Harry's got tons of plans that can easily stop any of his! Let's face it, that guy couldn't take over the world if it was handed to him! He's not _that_ evil." Any other taunts the girl had were cut short as the enraged Dark Lord cursed her. It turned her hair and eyebrows electric blue streaked with orange. Somewhere, a gay hairdresser was crying.

"Like I said. Not too evil."

**A/N: Mwahahaha, I love that part. I would love to have blue hair... :sigh: Anywho, 77 reviews! Wowzer, you guys are most awesome. I love each and everyone of you. No, really, I do! Stop smiling at me like that. Whoever is reviewer number 100 shall get... something special!**

**Whatever, the NEW topic for ya'll is:**

Follow him every where with a camcorder. When he asks why, shrug and say it's a project for school. When asked what kind of project, say that you have to follow your hero around for a day and since you got into a fight with Harry, he was your second choice.

And, once again, anything ya'll write will be alright.


	16. Wait, Voldie's a virgin?

**A/N: Roxxi and Ali, you two made my night. Thanks!**

**Wait, Voldie's a Virgin?**

Voldemort was scared. No, he was absolutely terrified. He was alone in the house with Moosk. In the middle of nowhere. Did he mention alone? Trying to avoid her at all costs was the only thing he could think of that would save him from insanity. Either that or getting completely sloshed. But we all remember what happened at the Christmas party. So stay away he did. For about an hour. It surprises one to know exactly how quickly Moosk is able to find someone who doesn't want to be found.

The pair was now seated in the living room. Moosk stared at the Dark Lord. In the right light she looked like she was concentrating. She wasn't, but that's beside the point. Right now she was staring at her male comrade. Voldemort chanced a glance to his left.

"Yes, Moosk?" Instead of answering him with some stupid comment, she wiggled her eyebrows and gave him a suggestive leer. His face twisted into one of disgust (not disgust_ing_, as it already is). "W-what?"

She did the wave with her eyebrows now. "Suggestive content! Rated M for mature!" Now Voldemort was horrified.

"SOMEONE CALL A MEETING!" He fled the room and dove for the bag of floo powder over the fireplace. "ANYWHERE!"

"It's funny how that particular command sends him to the upstairs fireplace…" She heard a high-pitched scream from upstairs and smirked. "Three, two… one."

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"Is it as bad as the closet?" She called up to him. Moosk heard a thudding sound that she assumed was his head against the wall. "Who knew eyebrows were another weakness? Wait… is he… a virgin? That would explain the unwillingness to acknowledge the suggestiveness! Oh, wait till JD hears _this_!"

**A/N: Guys, we're reaching the 100 review mark! Let's see who's the lucky number 100!**


	17. Proof and Another Diary Entry

**A/N: Yes, I know I haven't updated this weekend, but you'se guys, work has been killing me this weekend. I'm so tired that it ain't funny. **

**Proof and Another Diary Entry**

"Are you serious?" JD asked in an excited whisper.

"No, I'm Moosk. But he's a virgin! I didn't ask him, but think about it! He's older than hell and doesn't have kids! Doesn't do the rape, kill, pillage, and burn thing! Just the kill and burn! The evil and all-powerful Dark Lord is a virgin!" The girls were in the upstairs closet of HQ. This had become their official scheming room since Voldemort tended to avoid this hallway. JD couldn't contain herself.

"Oh my god! This is fantastic! But we have to be sure. Let's ask."

Voldemort sneezed. Then he shuddered. "Oh no…" That's when the footsteps came.

"Chief! Hey, Chief! Are you a virgin?" Voldemort paled. "Are you?"

"I… might… be."

"You are, aren't you?"

"Yes." He hung his head. JD gave him a hug, and he quickly pushed her off.

"It's okay. Just because you've never had sex and you're about a thousand—"

"Don't say that word, and I'm only 55!"

"—And you're a virgin doesn't make you a bad person. I mean, you're bad on your own.

And just look at the muggle priests. They can't get it on, ever! They're celibate their whole lives." Moosk smiled. She loved making fun of priests and she loved making fun of Voldie. Hell, she was killing two birds with one stone.

"Do you at least get off?" He paled again.

"Do you _mind_!"

"No, not at all."

"Get away. You don't need to know about my… y'know… private life." Moosk wiggled her eyebrows and Voldemort gagged. JD covered her mouth with her hand and pretended to choke. In reality, she was shaking from laughter, and her face became red as her lungs screamed for oxygen.

This excerpt is from Voldemort's diary, dated that evening.

_Dear Diary,_

_… And then they asked if I was a virgin. Of course I am! Who the hell have I been banging! No one! Did they really think I have time for it? No! But I do get off. Wanna here something funny? I get off to—GET OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU FLEE-RIDDEN SHEEP-BITTERS! Sorry, the recruits are back. Must recruit-proof my door. …_

_Tomorrow,_

_Tommy_

**A/N: I'm not sure if I'll update again this weekend, but I'll try... especially if my mailbox is full of reviews! Now, it's almost 2 in the morning and I'm dead off my feet.**

**Tah, my luvrlies!**


	18. Of Bubble Gum and Crazy Straws

**A/N: Congrats to Tomsgirl2005! She was our 100th reviewer! Johnny, tell her what she has won!**

**Johnny: Well, JD, Tomsgirl2005 will get this brand new car**

**:cameras pan to an old ugly beat up car: **

**and a vacation to... Canada!**

**:picture of an ugly background that looks nothing like Canada:**

**JD: Thanks Johnny. Hey, everyone, thanks for playing and better luck with being the 200th reviewer! And now, onto the show!**

**Of Bubble Gum and Crazy Straws**

Voldemort smelled tropical fruit. Not the real thing, mind you. It was that fake smell that's used in gums and the scented cardboard muggles tended to hang from their rearview mirrors. The stink was strong with this one. The Dark Lord wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Snape! What is that VILE smell!" Snape looked over the paper at his master.

"I'unno. Smells like gum."

"Yes, but who's chewing it?" Snape rolled his eyes.

"Check the Two Musketeers."

"Two? I thought it was three."

"It is. Moosk likes the candy, so she instructed everyone to call them the 'Two Musketeers'." Voldemort nodded.

"Oh, alright. WHERE ARE THEY!"

"Right here." JD chirped as she and Moosk walked into the living room. The terrifying and evil lord pointed accusingly (and rightly so) at Moosk.

"Fi fye fo fum! I smell the smell of a tropical… smell!"

JD clapped. "Well done."

"Shut up. What is that smell?" Moosk stuck out her tongue. There was an orange wad of gum seated on the muscle. Voldemort's eye twitched.

"It's Trident. Cleans your teeth."

"I don't care."

"You're grumpy today." JD grabbed his cheek and pinched.

"Don't touch me."

"You need to be cheered up."

"Let go of my face."

"I know just what you need."

"My face is going numb." A crazy straw was thrust into his line of vision suddenly.

"Have a straw." Voldemort's eyebrow rose.

"What would I do with it?"

"Drink stuff. Duh." Moosk offered from the corner of the room.

"Your ever present wisdom astounds me, oh revered Russian Moose-head."

"Your ever present sarcasm brightens my darkest days, oh… frequently pissed British Snake-head."

"Blue and orange haired freak!"

"Snake-headed ugly old virgin!" Voldemort burst into tears and ran from the room.

"You just couldn't let it die, could you?"

"Not on your life, Snapie-poo."

**A/N: You guys, I'm not getting enough reviews! I need ego-fuel! ego-fuel equals quick updates!**


	19. Of Crying and the Phantom

**A/N: Here's your weekend update! Now leave me alone so I can eat my dinner (and yes, I do know it's 2:40 in the morning, shut up)**

**Of Crying and the Phantom**

Voldemort sighed. Well, sighed as best as he could around a gag. He was hog-tied and strapped to a movie theater seat. The Death Eaters had decided (been threatened by the Musketeers) to see a movie for the upcoming holidays. Sadly they had chosen to see the new version of Titanic.

"Popcorn?" Moosk offered from his right. He vehemently shook his head no, but instead of getting the hint that he really didn't want to be here, she merely shook the bag, spilling kernels into his lap. That was going to get the nasty faux butter all over his robes.

"MMMMPPHH!" Translation: DAMN!

JD removed the gag, asking "What?" at the same Moosk moved to shove popcorn into the Dark Lord's mouth. What resulted is in the middle of a very steamy scene a loud "HOLY HELL! HE BIT ME!" echoed through the theater. Several loud and annoying shushes came from nearby moviegoers. JD slowly put the gag back in place with a grim look on her face.

Five hours into the movie…

"Hey, Voldie, stop hitting your head against the seat. You'll get a concussion."

"Grrr…" Translation: I can only hope.

Seven hours into the movie…

"Is he weeping?" Snape whispered to Moosk.

"Yeah. I think that last hit to the head really hurt him."

"Sniff… sob, sob!" Translation: JACK, I'LL NEVER LET GO!

"Um… Boss-man? Dude, I know it hurts man, but you gotta pull it together. Think evil thoughts. C'mon, running over bunnies. Ripping off Potter's head. Just stop crying!" Lucius was desperately trying to calm the Dark Lord who was, at this moment, crying hysterically.

The old woman had just dropped the necklace into the sea. He didn't remember her name, but he was weeping for her. He knew all about that sort of pain. Like that time he took a cruise in his younger years and his favorite sunglasses fell over the side of the boat, and he pushed his dearly beloved (coughexpendablecough) best friend over with them. The idiot was _supposed_ to retrieve them, but he had never resurfaced. Oh, Voldemort knew of the old woman's pain.

The lights in the theater came on as Celine Dion's "Our Love Will Go On" played over the credits. The Death Eaters began gathering popcorn bags and empty drink cups and slowly filed out of the room. Many of the feminine men had tearstains running down their cheeks. Even Bellatrix's eyes were watery.

"Wasn't Jack hot?" Draco questioned Moosk. She raised her eyebrows and he quickly went red. "I-I-I mean, y'know… uh, in those old timey clothes?"

"Suuuuure…" He laughed nervously.

"Hey, does it feel like we're forgetting something?" JD asked as she started the ignition in the company van.

"Hm… nah." Moosk shook her head. The group drove off into the sunset.

In the theater…

"MMMMMMMHHHHHPPPPPHHHHHH!" Translation: GUUUUUUUYYYYYYYSSSSS!

They forgot to untie poor Voldie. Not like he didn't deserve it. But when the lights when out and the Phantom of the Opera decided to make an appearance, things got a little weird.


	20. Cookies and a New Recruit

**A/N: I don't recommend that you lay something greasy on you notebooks. It makes it hard to read later… stupid donut… Anywho, I wrote this and I promise, it's gonna suck.**

**Cookies and a New Recruit**

"Snape, you 'tard, we need GOOD ideas!" The resident Dark Lord snapped, smacking the Potions Master upside the head. "Come on, this is serious!"

"But my Lord, what's wrong with a tango theme for our New Years Eve bash?" Severus asked, rubbing the his head and quivering slightly.

"BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TANGO!" Voldie exploded. He glared at the Death Eaters around him. It was then that he noticed that two of the three banes of his existence (Harry being one, and guess who the other two are ;) ) were missing.

"Has anyone seen JD and Moosk?" He questioned. Heads all around the room shook, meaning no, while the bodies attached to the heads trembled. Moosk and JD scared them more than the Dark Lord did.

"Delivery for 'O Great Evil One!" Jim the UPS man chirped, sliding a huge box across the room, coincidentally leaving a huge mark trailing behind him on the floor. **(Yay, the return of Jim the UPS man!)** He handed the former Tom Riddle a letter and ran out of the room, well aware of what was about to happen.

Voldemort looked at the letter in his hand, which read 'OPEN ME FIRST!' in bold scrawl across the front, then to the door in which Jim had fled thru. Steeling himself, he cautiously opened the letter. Nothing happened. He peered into the envelope and pulled out the letter inside.

_Sorry we couldn't make it. Out recruiting. There's a surprise for you in the box. We promise it's not Harry._

_Luvs and kisses,_

_JD and Moosk_

There was a key taped to the bottom of the page, as well as instructions for its use.

"Yea, like I'm really going to believe they're out recruiting… At least, I hope there not. I really can't handle another one." The Lord guy grumbled. He and his, like, uber evil gang gathered around the wooden box.

Following the directions listed, Voldemort tapped the key in a series of places, oddly enough sounding out 'Shave and a Haircut.'

Suddenly, the box vanished and in the middle stood JD, Moosk, with another girl between them. The people surrounding the girls took a step back. All three were dressed in Girl Scout uniforms. They each held three boxes of cookies.

The room was so quiet that you could hear the cricket chirping.

Then…

"You guys want some cookies?" Three voices chorused, each holding out their boxes.

"No, not really, they give me gas. Who's she?" Voldie asked, pointing at the new girl.

"Oh that's Stephy, JD's niece," Moosk said, as if that explained everything.

"Ok, now why is she here?"

"She's joining your forces, 'O Wise One," JD smirked.

The Dark Lord Voldemort, the most evil wizard of… well, of wizard kind, fainted.

Make that four banes of his existence.

**A/N: Ok, you guys, seriously. I have _really_ low self-esteem and if you don't review, it makes me think you don't like it. I need the ego boost. The more reviews, the faster the updates.**

**Or am I gonna have to start holding the chapters hostage again? Remember: lots of reviews plus ego boost equal faster updates!**

**Oh, and Amberhawk, no thanks, I don't like cookies!**


	21. Of Bad Plots and Pink Ribbons

**A/N: Kay this is written by a reviewer, not me and not Sabs. I did change it a little bit, but it's mostly still hers.**

**Written by: Stephy, a.k.a. femaleprongslet**

**Of Bad Plots and Pink Ribbons  
**  
Voldemort and his minions were in the plotting room. Plotting. In a room.

"How about we set a trap at the DoM again!" exclaimed the Dark Lord.

"It's your funeral.", murmured Moosk.

"Malfoy! Are you trying to kill me? That was a horrible idea. The DoM. Ha!", he blamed the patriarch.

"I'm sorry, My Lord! It won't happen again!"

"Good. How about we turn the snitch into a portkey?" the evil-ish lord suggested.

"Amateur. That annoying Potter boy will just '_accio_' it back to him," the peeved villian heard from JD mutter under her breath.

"Snape! I know how bad Malfoy's ideas are, but I expected better from you! _Crucio_!"

Voldie was just starting to have fun when the new recruit Stephy walked in. His wand flew from his hand, only to land in the young girls.

"Mouldyshorts! That's a time out for you! You need to play nice or the wizarding world will never like you!" she exclaimed. "Hmm...let's see...Intro to Child Care teacher said one minute for every year of age, so that's about... four hours?", she guessed.

"I'm only 72!" Protested the 'Moldyshorts'.

"Sure ya are," said Moosk, gum smacking loudly.

Either way, Tommy-kins ended up at the time-out.

1111111111111111111111111111111111111

Voldie had fallen asleep on the tiny bench that the (now) Three Musketeers had set up. There was a big sign on the tiny bench that served as the time-out chair that read 'TIMEOUT' in big red letters. It was a tiny bench! Really! It was for, like, 2 year olds!

Stephy, JD, and Moosk sat across the now empty plotting room. They decided that Voldie was in serious need of updated hair. They went and got some accessories, hair dye, and scissors...

222222222222222222222222222222222222

Voldemort let out a big YAWN and stretched.

He stood up. His time-out had ended, he had taken a rather long nap, and his head felt lighter. He felt good and, after giving his armpit a good sniff, decided that he was a bit rank, so he went to take a shower.

When he got into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, he screamed. He had purple hair, cut to shoulder length and pigtail braids with pink ribbons. He was also sporting a new makeover. For good measure, he screamed again. Bella ran into the room, and she liked what she saw.

"Wow... love the makeover, Master," she purred, then walked out of the bathroom.

Harry was laughing his butt off at the pictures he received that Christmas. He had also been kinda freaked out at the pictures where the 3 girls positioned his body in after he had been slipped a sleeping potion.

**A/N: You guys, updates probably won't be as frequent because, as some may know, I have a few stories that I'm writing right now, plus my job sucks up alot of my time. I will try to write more chapters, but it's not easy being this brilliant ;)**


	22. New Socks and an Apoplexy

**A/N: Kay, this is actually written by me! YAY ME! ****Kay, this is one of the episodes that I wrote at one thirty in the morning, so if it sucks, I'm sorry. Consider this your warning.**

**New Socks and an Apoplexy**

Voldemort shifted uncomfortably as three pairs of eyes followed his every move.

They kept staring at him.

Unblinking.

Smiling innocently.

But the Darkest of Dark Lord was too smart to fall for their innocent looks. He glared at the Three Musketeers. His glare, which had caused even the most hardened Death Eater to run screaming like a little girl and crying for his mummy **:cough:Lucius:cough:** didn't even faze the three young recruits. They didn't even _flinch_!

He didn't like the way Moosk seemed to almost be leering at him. JD had a frighteningly evil gleam in her eyes. Stephy was the only Musketeer who didn't appear to have an ulterior motive.

Voldie turned his stare back to the blue-and-orange-haired Moosk (who had decided that blue hair was a crime against fashion and was keeping it that color).

"What are you looking at?" Tommy-kins snarled at her.

"An ugly old virgin," Moosk stated simply.

Voldemort flinched visibly at the word 'virgin,' but turned to the oldest of the three instead of running to his room crying, like he felt like doing.

"And you?" he asked JD menacingly.

"And I what?" JD asked, monotone.

"What are you staring at?" he sneered.

"I 'unno, science ain't figured it out yet," she replied, her voice still mono tone despite the huge grin on her face. She was creeping him out.

Tom was seriously about to explode. I mean, COME ON! Who where they kidding?

He turned to the last and newest recruit.

"You, same question," he said, pointing commandingly at Stephy, a vein popping out of his bald forehead.

She gave Voldemort a toothy grin.

"I've got on new socks."

Voldie's face turned a shade of red that would have made even Ron Weasley proud and stormed out of the room. A few seconds later, the front door slammed and the ENTIRE bloody neighborhood heard Voldemort let out a huge scream. Then there was a THUMP!

"Think we gave him an apoplexy?" Moosk asked hopefully. JD shrugged and stood up, walking to the front porch. A few moments later she returned.

"No such luck."

**A/N: Well, I decided to be nice and update tonight, but I'm warning you now, I'm gonna hold the next chapter hostage, mostly cuz I wanna reach the '150' review mark. So you're hearby warned!**

**Crazyrandom11796: Heehee, brilliant idea! However, A) I have my own designs for the sexy Potion's Professor and 2) I didn't invent the question mark, I invent poison ivy.**

**And, everyone: I'M NOT BRILLIANT! No, really, I'm not, I promise. Seriously! Stop laughing and shaking your head at me! It's not funny! It's the truth.**

**You know what I love? Coffee. At nine thirty at night. That's the best time to drink it, I promise you! No, seriously, listen to me. Try it once and I promise you won't be late the next day. You'll be up by seven. Or at least, I was this morning. Now, it's eleven at night and I'm still drinking coffee. Yummy!**

**3/18: Okay, I'm sorry about that A/N. I was planning to update Wednesday/Thursday and I wrote that A/N then, while on a major coffee high. Very bad idea.**


	23. Pictures and Ears

**A/N: Got a review from Juko threatening me with a call to the police. And also told me that I've hit 150 reviews. So I'm updating.**

**Pictures and Ears**

"You guys! Quit fooling around!" JD shouted at the Death Eaters, all of which were in their best robes and were also playing in the dirt. "If you guys don't get out of that dirt, clean yourselves off and get in formation by the count of three, YOU WILL BE HEXED INTO NEXT YEAR! ONE…" The Death Eaters jumped out of the dirt. "TWO…" There was a rapid secession of 'Scorgify' spells and the Death Eaters were all clean. "THREE…" They all moved forward and were in their correct place. "Good," JD smirked then turned to Moosk. "We're all ready."

"Where is his Great Evilness at?" the other witch asked.

JD's smirk turned into a frown. "Did you tell him that we were having pictures taken today?"

"No, I thought you did." The Musketeers (minus Stephy) were quiet for a moment. Then Snape walked into the yard, yawning.

"What's up, you two?"

"Hey Sevster," JD greeted him absently. Moosk made no notice of the wizard next to her.

"I told you not to call me that!" Snape snapped. **(haha that sounded funny)**

"Yea, you also told me not to tell anyone you sleep with a teddy bear, but look how that turned out," JD's attention was now fixed on the Potion's Master, but Moosk was still ignoring him.

Soon, JD's taunting of Severus was interrupted by the Dark One himself.

Voldemort walked out of his house to find all of his minions in perfect rows, minus Snape, who was fighting with JD, and Moosk was standing to the side, her eyes having taken a slightly glazed look.

"What's going on out here? I was resting peacefully for once and was suddenly awoken by screaming!" Voldie said.

JD turned to him, totally ignoring Severus and grinned cheekily at the Dark Lord. "Well, milord, we," here she gestured to herself and Moosk, who was slowly returning to reality, "thought that it would be wicked sweet to have a photograph of the crew," here she gestured to the lined-up Death Eaters, who still hadn't moved an inch, "but we couldn't remember who was suppose to tell you about it. Then Sevvie came out and… well, you catch my drift." She smirked at Snape, who scowled heavily back at her. He was probably the only Death Eater who wasn't scared of them. It was then that Riddle noticed that there was a photographer in the yard.

"I REMEMBER!" Moosk suddenly shouted, starling everyone but JD.

"Well, who was it then?" JD asked, as if there hadn't been any interruption in their conversation.

"Stephy was suppose to tell him," Moosk said confidently.

"Oh, well, she's at her mum's, so now we know why Voldie didn't know," JD retorted, looking the Dark Lord over. "Those pj's will never do." With a wave of her wand, Voldemort was suddenly wearing a ballerina outfit, complete with tutu. The former Tom screamed and tried to cover himself up. "Oops, sorry milord, wrong spell," JD smirked. Another wave of her wand had him covered in great flowing silk robes… that were light purple. Moosk snorted, trying to hold in her laughter. JD turned to her. "Alright, I'm done with him. You try."

"Gladly," Moosk managed to choke out. A wave of her wand and suddenly the Evil One had long blonde hair and was in bright orange robes. She shook her head and the robes turned hot pink.

_One hour later…_

Not one single Death Eater had moved. JD and Moosk had finally settled on dark green, silky flowing robes and no hair for Voldemort. Everyone got situated around He-Who-Has-Too-Many-Really-Long-Names. JD and Moosk had managed to get right behind their Lord.

Finally, they were ready to have the picture taken.

"One… Two… Three…" said the photographer.

SNAP!

_One week later…_

"Hey, we got our pictures in!" Lucius shouted, running around the house.

"Lucius, what have we told you about running in the house?" Moosk asked, coming out of the living room.

Lucius looked nervous. "Um, not to do it…?"

"Unless," she prodded further. JD came out of the living room to stand by her.

Lucius swallowed hard. "Unless you run with scissors?"

JD smirked. "Look who's a genius. Let me have the pictures," she commanded. He handed them right over and fled.

Moosk opened the envelope and took out the pictures. A huge smile lit up on her face and she handed them to JD, who's smirk got wider as she looked over the picture.

There, in the middle, sat Voldemort, with two sets of bunny ears.

**A/N: Don't know when I'll update again. There's been a lot of stuff happening. Probably will be a while unless I can be convinced otherwise...**


	24. That confounded contraption!

**Disclaimer: laelaiv dirns ifsois sosnr oadmfodr adirowner. If you didn't understand that, then you missed something quite funny. But I'm not gonna tell you what the disclaimer says, so don't ask!**

**That confounded contraption!**

Once again, Voldemort was on the run in his own house, from his own minions. It was quite sad really.

Why was he hiding this time, you ask? Well, Moosk was following **:cough:stalking:cough: **him around the house, armed with a Muggle camcorder. Again, you ask why? Well, SHE claimed it was for school, but Voldie wasn't sure. He kept meaning to ask Snape, but always forgot when he saw the Potion Master. But hefinally got smart and wrote it on his hand.

Oh, yea, the story.

So Moosk was following His Lordship around with a Muggle camcorder. He had yet to ask why. Suddenly the door to the closet he was hiding in flew open and there stood Moosk, a camcorder firmly attached to her hand.

"And here is were the Dark Lord Voldemort hides out from his young minions," Moosk narrated, zooming in on the curled up wizard, who let out a groan and stood up.

"Turn off that ridiculous Muggle contraption!" Later, the video would show a large pale hand followed by sounds of a scuffle, then the camera dropped sideways on the ground and you could see Voldemort running as fast as he could, Moosk in hot pursuit. Then darkness as the camera snapped off.

But anywho, back to the story.

The former Riddle finally cornered Severus after another dull DE meeting.

"Snape, is it true that some teacher in that confounded school really set an assignment that one had to follow someone around with a camera?" Voldie asked.

"Huh?" Poor Snape didn't understand what His Evilness was talking about. Hell, I don't think Voldie knew what he was talking about. Right, the story. "I'm sorry, Milord, but I don't understand. **(HAHA! I told you so! Shutting up…)** I only got the part about the camcorder, so I'm gonna guess and answer you with this: I gave my students an project to do with a Muggle camcorder." Snape was under strict orders not to tell Voldie about the project. Don't ask why. It's a really stupid reason.

"Why would you do a stupid thing like that?" Voldie spat out.

Snape shrugged. "I 'unno. Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Suddenly, Tommy heard the unmistakable sounds of Moosk sneaking up on him. He quickly darted to the backdoor, only to be blocked there by JD, who began pestering him with questions. Moosk appeared at his side. The now-red-faced Dark Lord turned to her.

"Why are you following me? What kind of project is this anyways?" he screeched.

Moosk gave him a cheeky grin, her camera still in his face. "Well, we're suppose to follow our hero around for a week, but I got into a fight with Harry, so you were next on my list."

Voldemort let out a high-pitched wail and, after shoving JD to the side, stormed out of the house. JD smirked.

**VERY IMPORTANT A/N! YOU MUST READ THIS ALL THE WAY THRU! Ok, you guys, seriously. I'm very busy at the current time (two part-time jobs are very exhausting for a lazy person like me) and I have been unable to keep writing on ANY of my stories. I know, I know, I'm horrible. But never fear, I'm not giving up on any of them. I just want ya'll to know so's people will quit demanding me to update. It really gets on my nerves. The next person who asks me to hurry and update will be... punished... **

**Anywho,I will update when I can. Oh, yea, now I remember. I've decided that the (random number->)205th reviewer will get to read the next chapter (that's already been written) before everyone else! How's that for incentive?**


	25. Crimes against Fashion

**A/N: Yes, I know I'm an evil git. Seriously though, don't you simply LOVE me? Lolz, sorry, been a long day. But the good news is that I really do have a floor underneath all those clothes! And my sister's car is clean. And so is the house. And I have more shoes than I really should. And I'm really tired.**

**Kay, enough complaining, here's the chapter!**

**Crimes Against Fashion**

All of the Death Eaters were in full regalia, their Death Eater robes pressed crisply, their skeletal masks polished to a high shine. Every one of them were standing silently, awaiting the arrival of their Lord. Well, _almost_ every one of them.

Moosk and JD stood together, complaining loudly. They didn't even notice when His-Royal-Long-Titleness swept majestically into the room.

"I mean, SERIOUSLY!" JD complained.

"I know, right?" Moosk replied.

His Dark Lordness scrunched up his nose (well, kinda, as he doesn't have much of a nose) and stalked over to the two girls.

"What is so important that you had to interrupt my entrance?" Voldie hissed.

The two in question looked at him in surprise. "Oh, sorry, didn't hear you come in Voldie-poo," JD smirked.

Voldemort visibly flinched at the horrid name, then glared at her. "I asked you a question," he hissed (again).

"Oh, sorry, wasn't listening, can you please repeat it?" Moosk asked, just managing to keep a straight face.

"I SAID, What's so freaking important that you just had to interrupt my grand entrance?"

"Actually, I think what you said was 'What is so important that you had to interrupt my entrance,'" JD told him.

He turned to her and shrieked, "I knew you heard me!"

"I never said I hadn't," JD smirked at him. His narrow eyes grew even more narrow (if that was possible). "Moosk said she didn't hear you."

Voldie looked thoughtful. "Oh, yea, that's right." He shrugged and looked at the girls. "So what were you saying when I came in?"

"We were just wondering who made the Death Eater gear," Moosk said earnestly, still keeping her straight face.

"Oh, well, I believe it was Darren Purl. Why?"

"'Cause he should rot in hell for crimes against fashion."

**A/N: Teeheehee, I've always wanted to say that to someone. Now seriously, this is the last pre-written chapter, so I don't know how long it'll be until the next update. Mama has stolen the computer in the office to do daddy's taxes, so... But yea, I (think) started on the next chapter already, but it's just a matter of getting my floppy back up.**

**Again, what I said in the last chapter applies. Please no telling me to update soon. I'll get to it when I have a chance. And the spot for the 205th reviewer is still open, so REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! (another thing I've always wanted to say (with a bit of word difference, of course).**


	26. Twitching and Humming

**A/N: Got a sudden brainstorm while writing the next chapter of "Jack and the Missing Rum" so's here's youse guys update.**

**A/A/N: Sadly, the worst problem I'm having at the moment is a 16 month old baby stealing my chips… GET OFF MY FUNYUNS!**

**Twitches and Humming**

Voldie's eye twitched. I mean seriously Twitched. Like, twitched with a capital 'T'. It was twitching more than… well, more than something that twitches a lot.

But why?

Because someone was humming a song.

Loudly.

During a _VERY_ important D.E. meeting.

And who was it?

Well, Voldie wasn't quite sure. See, the humming seemed to be coming from EVERYWHERE. And it seemed that he was the only one who could hear it.

Go figure, right?

All of the Death Eaters were staring at him and his twitching eye. Wormtail slowly approached him.

"Milord?" he asked timidly.

Tom's head snapped over to look at him. "What?" he hissed.

"Erm, sorry sir, but you just kinda stopped in mid-sentence," the rat-like man said, cringing.

"It's that infernal humming!"

The idiot minions of the Dark one looked confused.

"Uh, whaddaya mean?" Snape asked, smirking. Like he didn't know!

"There's humming! It's coming from everywhere!" Voldemort growled. **Hey, didn't I just say that?**

Suddenly, He-who-has-a-really-long-title heard sniggering. A look of comprehension crossed his face and he turned to glare at JD and Moosk. Unfortunately **(not)**, they didn't realized he was staring at them until a few seconds had passed. Something caused JD to look up and, after seeing the Dark Lord glaring at them, she quickly nudged Moosk. Both girl feigned a look of complete innocence that fooled ABSOLUTLY no one.

"Can we help you, 'O Evil One?" JD asked sweetly.

"I believe you know where that infernal humming is coming from?" he stated more than asked, the twitch growing even more prominent.

"Oh, you mean this humming?" Moosk asked sweetly, snapping her fingers. Suddenly, the entire room was filled with humming.

Severus smirked.

"Erg, what is that idiotic song?" Lucius moaned, covering his ears.

The two girls looked at each other and started laughing. "This is the song that never ends! Yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it just because this is the song that never ends! Yes it goes on and on…"

**A/N: Mwahahahaha, am feeling quite evil today! Am holding David's penny for ransom, got to torture Voldie, AND I took a quiz that says I'm like, 66 percent evil!**

**Kay, now everyone needs to go read Kadasa Mori 's story "Little bunny Voldie". The url is http/ www. fanfiction. net/ s/2580484 /1/ but without the spaces!**

**If you would like me to advertise your story, send me the name and I'll read it. If I like it, I'll tell everyone to read it! (She didn't tell me too, but I'm doing it anyways)**

**Also, I'm changing the name of this story to either "The Woes of a Dark Lord" or "The Woes of Voldemort". Tell me what ya'll think.**


	27. Firecrackers need I say more

**Disclaimer: I don't own Brittany Spears.**

**A/N: CONTEST RESULTS! Ok, the winner of the "205th reviewer" contest was actually Stephy, who has written one of the chapters of this story and has been privileged to read chapters in advance before, so I don't think it would be fair for her to get to read another one. So, the 225th reviewer will get to read a chapter before everyone else does!**

**NOTE: If the winner is an anonymous reviewer who _doesn't_ leave their email address, they will be skipped over!**

**A big thanks to Kailael for helping with the song!**

**Firecrackers… need I say more?**

Moosk stifled a giggle as the girls crowded around a certain evil lord's bathroom where they could hear the aforementioned lord singing at the top of his lungs what appeared to be his version of a Brittany Spears song.

_Oops, I did it again,_

_I squashed Harry's heart,_

_Got lost in the maze,_

_Oh baby baby,_

_Oops, I'm gonna curse you again,_

_Gonna bathe in your blood,_

_I'm so not innocent!_

JD made the mistake of looking at Moosk, who made the mistake of looking at Stephy, who was already having trouble not laughing, causing her to turn a funny shade of purple. That was just the last straw. JD just _barely_ managed to cast a silencing charm around them before the three of them burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"Wh-who does h-he think he is?" Moosk managed to gasp out, before falling on the floor, sniggering uncontrollably.

Stephy couldn't answer, having collapsed long ago. JD managed a weak "Yoko Ono" before falling over herself.

Snape walked by right about then and, upon noticing that the three youngsters where on the ground shaking but not making any noise, stopped to investigate. "And just what, pray tell, are you three doing outside our Lord's bathroom?"

Seeing that the girls wouldn't be able to answer in their current condition, he cast a calming spell over the three, fixing the problem immediately. The silencing charm was removed

JD looked up at him from her spot on the floor. "Sorry, Sev, what did you say?"

Snape visibly winced at the name, but repeated the question.

"Oh, well, we just _happened_ to pass by (here, Severus' eyebrows raised up a bit) and just _happened_ to find a bunch of firecrackers (Stephy showed him the fireworks and his eyebrows went up higher) and just _happened_ to find a note saying what to do with them (Moosk showed him a note that appeared to be written in JD's handwriting, his eyebrows moving up still more as he read it) and we were just _considering_ going thru with it."

"Don't lie to me, girl," was all he said.

JD rolled her eyes. "Alright fine. Stephy just got back from visiting her mum and she showed us what she got for her birthday (the firecrackers, in case you were wondering). So we decided to make good use of them. What better place to use wet-start fireworks than a bathroom, particularly one currently being occupied by our Lord?"

Snape look thoughtful for a moment. "Good point. Carry on." He left, his robes billowing in an invisible wind.

JD grinned. "I always liked that guy."

!1!1!1!1!11111!11111!1!11111!11!1!1

Voldie was scrubbing his bald head, humming "Oops I did it again" when suddenly his bathroom was covered in a shower of blue and red sparks. He quickly jumped out of the shower and, after wrapping a towel around his thin waist, ran from the room, right past the young girls, all on the floor, breathless and crying from laughter.

Loud pops could be heard all throughout the house, not quite covering up the high-pitched screams of a certain Dark Lord, nor the raucous laughter of three young Death Eaters.

**A/N: There, I don't want any complaints about the length. And I'm holding the next chapter hostage until I get MAJOR reviews! **

**Still on the war-path for a new name.**


	28. Mozart and Team Rocket

**Mozart and Team Rocket**

**Ok, the negotiations of the hostage situation are finally over! Really, I wanted to update a long time ago, but NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO stupid evil blot bunnies wouldn't leave me alone. I really did try, I promise! It's tough being this freaking brilliant! Oh, alright, fine. My excuses are in the 6th chapter of "Only he understands her pain" (whenever I update it) Happy now?**

**THE WINNER OF THE 225TH REVIEWER CONTEST IS…**

**Juko!**

**Johnny, tell them what she's won!**

**Johnny: …**

**Um, Johnny? Tell them what she's won.**

**Johnny: …**

**WTF, Johnny?**

**Johnny: Dude, she won the right to read this chapter before you posted it. What's the point of telling everybody what she won if they already know?**

**… Point taken.**

**Anywho, enjoy and please don't kill me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Motorola! Haha, now you can't sue me!**

Mozart's Requiem. That's what that stupid song was called. Unfortunately, Voldie didn't know how to make it _stop_. The dang thing just kept playing. It scared him. Wanna know why?

Because it meant one of _THEM_ were calling.

Yep, the Three Musketeers were at it again.

_Three days ago…_

JD, Moosk and Stephy came up to the Dark Lod (during a super important Deatheater meeting, naturally), presented him with a box, then ran out of the room like bats outta hell. Always worried when they gave him a box of any sort, the Oh-so-evil Dark Lord shook it lightly (after testing it with his wand for anything dangerous or worse, _nice_). Immediately, that frickin' song started playing.

Surprised, Tom dropped the box. Severus, smirking, picked it up and opened it. Inside was a Motorola Slvr. Curious, and wanting that song to stop playing, Voldemort picked up the phone and put it to his ear.

"Hello?"

The song continued playing.

"Hello?"

It still continued playing.

Sev, still smirking, leaned over and pushed the talk button and received a slap upside the head by Voldie, who tried again.

"Hello?"

Suddenly, the voice he dreaded most (well, one of the voices he dreaded most) started speaking.

"Say, Voldie-kins, what's up?"

Immediately, the device fell to the floor.

"Nnnnnooooo!" V-dog screamed and ran from the room.

Smirking still, Sevvy picked up the phone. "Bravo, girls, he almost sounded human."

_Currently…_

And it continued for the next three days. The phone would ring at any ole' time and it would always be one of the girls calling 'cause "I just feel like chatting". Day, night, it didn't matter. And no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, it never worked. The phone always ended up on his pillow late at night.

So here he was, standing in the front yard, staring at the phone, willing it to shut up. Of course, it wasn't working very well.

"Hey old man, whatcha listening to?" came a voice from behind him. The not-so-evil one jumped and spun around.

Standing behind him was a boy wearing a red and white cap and a blue vest. A strange yellow creature sat on his shoulder. To one side was a girl with a side ponytail, a yellow shirt with red suspenders and shorts. On his other side was a tan boy in an orange shirt, green vest and pants.

"Where did you come from?" Voldie asked.

The Musketeers walked around the corner just in time to hear what he said. JD smirked.

"You see, Dark One, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…" JD started. Stephy and Moosk were smirking.

"Oh, shut up, I know where babies come from. I meant, where did these kids come from?" He-who-really-needs-to-find-a-shorter-name said, gesturing behind him. "Wait, if you three are here, then who-"

It was then that JD and Stephy let out a scream. JD ran past V-man and tackled the tan boy.

"OMG BROCK I LOVE YOU!" she screamed, then proceeded to give him a huge kiss, which he didn't resist, naturally.

At the same time, Stephy had charged the other boy. "OMG ASH I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU MARRY ME?" However, Ash was unable to answer as Stephy smothered him with kisses.

Voldemort looked questioningly at Moosk, who rolled her eyes and said, "Fan girls."

"Ah," was the only thing he could say.

"To protect the world from devastation."

"To unite all peoples within our nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love."

"To extend our reach to the stars above."

A hot air balloon appeared in the sky, carrying a red haired young woman and purple haired young man. A strange cat-like creature there was also.

"Jesse"

"James"

"Team rocket blasts off at the speed of life!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth that's right!"

"Oh, no, it's Team Rocket!" Misty shouted. Not that the guys paid attention. At least not until Misty boxed their ears.

"Oh, no, it's Team Rocket!" Ash shouted.

"Dude, you're like, way behind," Misty told him.

"Whatever." Ash looked up at the balloon. "You can't have Pikachu!" he shouted.

"Who says we want your Pikachu?" Jesse asked.

A large hand shot out and grabbed the muggle device that was still ringing in Voldie's hand.

"This is what we want!" James laughed.

"THANK YOU!" The Dark Lord shouted and ran into the house before they could return it to him.

Jesse, James and Meowth all glanced at each other, then shrugged. "Team Rocket, blasting off again!" With that, they disappeared in the distance with a twinkle of light.

JD, Stephy, Moosk, Ash, Brock, Misty, Pikachu, InuYasha, and Jigglypuff all glanced at each other.

"Whatever."

**A/N: Ok, I totally blame Velvet (a.k.a. black-blooded-wolf-demon) for this chapter. Read her story Pissing off InYasha: The TV Series and you'll see why. The URL is http/ www. fanfiction. net /s/ 2838124/ 1/ Without the spaces, of course!**

**Seriously you guys, I was gonna update early yesterday morning but my boss called me in cuz one of the girls wasn't coming in. Yea, like I know how to do Cool-aide's job! (Cool-aide is April, but she calls me Jen-n-Juice so I call her Cool-aide. Angela kept bugging me so now she's Jello. She hates that name!) Then I was gonna update last night, but I forgot that I had to send this chapter to Juko, so then I had to wait. But ya'll don't care as long as I update, right?**

**Even though Juko hasn't wrote me back, I'm gonna go ahead and update, kay?**

**Now, lots of reviews might help with my geniusnesses!**


	29. Ugly colors and the Queer Eye

**Ugly colors and the Queer Eye**

Voldemort was peeved. Like, super peeved. Peeved with a capital P-E-E. **(teehee, I said pee)**

And it totally wasn't the Musketeers fault! _Snape_ told them that the Dark Lord was giving them free rein to paint his house. Any color they wanted, even!

However, when Voldie walked out of his house to get the morning paper, it soon became clear to the girls (to the entire continent, in fact), that evil Lord Voldie-kins hadn't told Sev to tell them that they could paint his house.

So, that's where we find them. In the front yard of HQ. Trying to figure out how to get the pink and orange and purple off the house. And it wasn't just any shade of pink. It was the kind of pink once described as 'hot _bloody_ pink.' The kind that makes your eyes water once you look at it. And the orange. The most atrocious shade you can imagine. Like, Texas Longhorns orange. And don't _even_ get me started on the purple. Nightmares of Barney still hunt me.

But anyways, back to our heroines. For some reason, they were unable to get it off. JD had a sneaking suspicion that the Prof. had charmed the paint so nobody would be able to get it off.

Suddenly, there were four nicely dressed guys in the front yard.

"That is _so_ wrong," one of them said.

"Hey, look, it's the guys from that TV show, 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'!" Draco exclaimed.

Moosk smirked at him. "Hoping they've come to take you away?"

Draco turned red. "I don't know what your talking about," he muttered.

JD smirked at the guys, one of which had his back turned from the house and appeared to be sobbing. "Can we help you guys?"

"Oh, my gosh, we just heard that there was an extremely ugly house around here and if we could come and fix it's owner," said one of the guys.

"Well, follow me and I'll lead you to him," Stephy said.

The one guy who remained outside (he refused to go in the house), turned to Draco. "You look _fabulous_! You should totally join us on our show!"

Draco turned red. "I'm not gay, though."

JD raised her eyebrow. "Yea, and I'm Madonna."

Three minutes later, Voldemort, the most evil wizard alive, as seen being dragged out of his hideously painted house, kicking and screaming at the guys.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"Beg your pardon, milord, but they already have," Moosk told him.

Together, the four guys, Voldie, and Draco diapperated.

**A/N: Ok, I've never actually _seen_ Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, although I do know what it's about. So, any info I got wrong… Well, deal with it!**

**Did you know that the most reviews I've gotten for a chapter was chapter 27, where I got 19 reviews! I say we try to beat that record by giving my 20 reviews for this chapter!**

**Please?**


	30. Betting and the Goat

**Betting and the Goat**

For once, Voldemort was happy. Really happy. And it wasn't 'cause he had killed the Musketeers, either, so don't even think that.

Although the Evil Trio from Hell (as Voldie called them on more than 11 occasions) was the reason he was happy. That, itself is enough reason to be scared.

See, V-dog was happy because he hadn't had a prank pulled on him or anything of the sort in… well, in few days. Or hours. Whatever.

Either way, no pranks or back talks.

In celebration of this, He-Who-Really-Needs-To-Get-A-Shorter-Title-Because-It-Takes-A-Long-Time-To-Type-This-Out decided to call a DeathEater meeting. Yay DE meetings!

Right, so that's where we find ourselves. The Meeting Room. Oh-So-Evil-One was sitting in his throne/chair talking to Peter while he was waiting for all of his peoples to get in the room. After about five minutes, everyone was assembled.

Well, almost everyone…

About twenty minutes after Voldie called the meeting to order, two heads poked themselves thru the door.

"So sorry we're late. Watching reruns of _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_," Moosk said, watching Voldie blanch and loving every second.

"I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO NEVER MENTION _THAT_ SHOW _EVER_ AGAIN!" VOLDIE HISSED. "AND WHY AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS?"

"'CAUSE THE AUTHOR'S CAPS LOCK KEY IS STuck. Oh, never mind, it's fixed," JD said. "All better."

"Um… right…" Voldemort looked confused for a moment. "Where was I?"

"_Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_," Sev said, also enjoying watching his leader blanch.

"Oh, yea…" Clears throat and tries to look authoritative. Fails. "We agreed to never mention that show in this house again!"

"Technically," Lucius said, looking at a roll of parchment, "we never actually got around to voting on that. Stephy kept arguing that it was her favorite show and didn't shut up 'til everyone had fallen asleep, which ended up being that you released everyone from the meeting hall. And you haven't called a meeting since, so there has been no voting."

"Well, I guess that covers the minutes from the last meeting," JD drawled, causing Lucius to blush.

"Right, well, anyways… This meeting, I would like to discuss my new evil plans for Harry," He-Who-Needs-A-Tic-Tac.

And then he was off, describing all the evil things he had in mind for 'that stupid Potter git.'

Finally, after two hours of non-stop rambling, JD nudged Sabrina. "So, how long do you think it will take Harry to escape _this_ plan?"

"Twenty minutes."

"No way! I say ten."

"Fifteen," Sev chimed in.

"Thirty," Lucius added.

Other DeathEaters started adding their two cents. JD wrote down who guessed what.

"Now, the losers have to pay the winner ten galleons," Moosk told them. There was a couple of groans that were silenced when JD glared at them all.

All the while, the Dark Lord was completely oblivious to them, so deeply immersed in telling everyone about his plans.

And so came the day that the plans were carried out.

Turns out, nobody won.

After all, who would have thought that Harry would take an hour to escape?

I mean, it was only a evil goat he was up against.


	31. Crimes Against Fashion, part duex

**A/N: 17 reviews? Tsk, I'm so disappointed...**

**Crimes Against Fashion, part duex**

Jim the UPS man walked up the steps of Voldemort's still hideously painted house and rang the doorbell. Soon V-man himself opened the door.

"Hey, Jim, long time, no cookies," Voldie said.

Jim grinned. "Yup. What happened to your house? Looks like someone puked Pepto Bismol, the Texas Longhorns, and Barney all over it!"

He's Evilness grimaced. "Three of my minions decided to paint my house. Anyway, enough about me, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, yea." Jim handed V-ish a letter. "Delivery! Sign here, here, here, initial here, fingerprint here, blood sample here, here, here, here and here, date of birth here, father's maiden name here, here and here. That's it! Have a great day!" He strolled off, whistling.

Utterly confused, Vold went back inside and opened his letter.

_Mr. Tom Riddle:_ (here Volders grunted)

_You are here by summoned to court this Friday at 4:00 am to stand trail by a jury of your peers._

_If you have any questions, don't bug us with them, because we really don't care._

_Sincerely,_

_Most Honorable Judge Captain Jack Sparrow_

"What?"

_Friday…_

Yawning, Voldemort walked into the courtroom, dressed in green plaid bondage pants and a white shirt. Behind him came a disgustingly cheerful (and smirking) JD, Moosk and Stephy. All three were dressed similar to their Lord, JD in green plaid, Moosk in blue, and Stephy in red.

They moved to the front of the court room, past the gate… thingy… and sat down. Behind the table next to them sat the vampires Lestat and Louis. The Musketeers had promised that they would defend Voldie no matter what the charges.

Which, of course meant that the whole thing was rigged.

Despite the time, the courtroom was packed and the 'spectators' were talking loudly.

Off to the side was a box that held twelve people. Rouge, Jean, Scott, Storm, Xavier, Bobby, to name a few.

In walked the bailiff, who was none other than Wolverine. He stood in front of the judges table… thing… what's the word? Pulpit? Whatever. He stood there and shouted in a deep voice, "All rise for his most honorableness judge Jack Sparrow."

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow," the judge muttered as his entered in all his pirate-y glory. "Siddown, ye curs," he added as he sat in his comfy chair.

Everyone sat down.

"Now, will someone tell me why we're here?" the 'judge' asked.

Lestat stood up. "Your honor, we're here because the defendant is guilty of crimes against fashion. A crime so _horrendous_ that his own people are scared to look him in the face."

"OBJECTION!" Moosk shouted, jumping up.

"On what grounds?" Louis asked.

"I dunno, I just always wanted to say that," she replied, sitting down.

"O-kay…"

"Continue," Captain Jack said.

"Er, right…" Lestat shuffled some papers around. "Um, that's all, Your Honorableness." He sat down, looking confused.

"Defense?"

"Yes, Cap'n?" JD stood up.

"Your opening statement?"

"Oh, yea, um, let's see…" She turned and whispered to the other Musketeers. "Right, now see, Your Judgeness, you can't prosecute our client!"

Judge Jack raised an eyebrow. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy? I can do as I want."

"No, no, that's not what I mean. I meant that he's not responsible for the clothing in question. He didn't design them, therefore he can't be held accountable."

"OBJECTION!"

"Moosk!"

"Wasn't me!"

"It was me!"

"Who's 'me'?"

"Louis."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?"

"Because the author didn't write it in," he said.

"Right. Sorry."

"On what grounds?" Stephy asked.

"What?" Lestat asked.

"The objection. On what grounds?"

"Oh, yea. On the grounds that, while he, himself, didn't create the… for lack of a better word, clothes, he did approve them for his minions."

"Who did create them?" Judge Jack asked.

"Darren Purl."

"Your Honor, if we may bring out Exhibit A?" Louis asked. Jack inclined his head slightly.

Lestat turned towards the back of the courtroom and, raising two fingers to his lips, let out a loud whistle. In marched several Death Eaters in full uniform. Several people let out horrified screams.

"Ugh, what is _that_? It's hideous!" Jack exclaimed.

"Oh, that's not right," Voldie said, turning slightly to look behind him. "It's only a donkey."

Another raised eyebrow by the judge. "Indeed." He turned to the jury. "The jury needs to leave and decide whether Mr. Riddle is guilty or not."

"No need, Your Honor," Scott said.

"Alright, what's your decision then?"

"First the jury would like to know where Darren Purl is," Rouge said.

"Why?" Voldie asked.

"Because we believe he should be rotting in hell," Jean replied.

"Oh, he is," Voldie snickered.

"Indeed."

"You know, you sound a lot like Norrington when you say that," Moosk piped up.

"Quiet or I'll make you walk the plank!" Jack shouted. Moosk simply smirked.

Xavier cleared his throat. "If we may continue?"

"Yes, of course. How do you find the defendant?"

"Ugly," JD snickered quietly.

"We, the jury, find Tom Riddle a.k.a. the Dark Lord, guilty in of crimes against fashion in the first degree."

"Very well. I hereby sentence you to five bazillion years in jail. Court is adjourned." Jack banged the gavel and left.

Wolverine walked over to Voldemort. "Time to go, bub." He grabbed him by the upper arm and drug the kicking and screaming Dark Lord away.

Soon, Voldie married a large man named Bob and they lived happily ever after.

Not The End.

**A/N: Ok, here, now leave me alone! I updated, be happy! Four pages! Or maybe five, I forget.**

**Know what would really make me want to update? If more people joined my legion of the undead! The link is in my profile. However, I think you actually really have to play before I get the points, so if you're not going to, then don't worry about it.**

**Ok, I'm writing this at 2:18 in the morning, so anything that doesn't make sense… well, I really don't care. Just hope that I got all the legal jargon right.**

**Thanks to: **Inumaru12, Stephy, Deepa/calculator15, and Master Fifer (I think those are it. Anyone I forgot, well, sorry!)

**Also, jez, if you're reading this, know this! I won't update until you update VV! And if you're not reading this, then…**

**Here, read this everyone!**

**http/ www. fanfiction. net /s / 2895581/ 1/**


	32. Unbirthday and a Girlfriend

**A/N: I had a few complaints about all the 'mindless chatter' that crowded the last chapter, so I'm sorry you people feel this way. Also, several people asked about Bob. As some of you might have figured out, not all of the chapters go together. This isn't a real story, mostly just a mishmash of jokes crammed together. However, Bob may make an appearance later. Who knows? After all, Stephy was only suppose to be in three chapters, but look at her now!**

**Un-Birthday and a Girlfriend**

Voldemort was stalking around his halls amidst his cowering DeathEaters, hoping not to run into the Terrible Trio. See, their new thing was to, on random days, give him a gift, smile, say 'Happy Un-Birthday,' (whatever the hell that was) and walk away. So far all he had gotten from them were socks. Voldie hated socks. With a passion.

Of course, the trio knew this. Voldie didn't know that they knew this and they knew that Volds didn't know that they knew. Still keeping up? Good.

They hadn't given him a gift in two days, so he knew that it was going to be soon that he would get another. Wait, was that a flash of blue?

Tommy walked over to where he thought he saw blue, knowing that he would regret it.

Sure enough, Moosk popped out from around the corner and gave V-man a good tight _sqeeeze_ around the middle. "Hey-ya V-dog," she said cheerfully. 'V-dog' was trying (unsuccessfully) to untangle the girls arms from around him.

"What in Hades Realm do you want!"

There was a puff of blue smoke and a man appeared. He wore long, draping blue robes, his skin was blue and, instead of hair, he had a coif of blue flames.

"Who are you?" Voldie shouted.

"Name is Hades, Lord of the Dead," the blue man replied, offering a hand to shake. Then he noticed Moosk standing off to the side. "Moosk! How are you?"

"Hades! Long time, no smell," she said and received a smack upside the head from Vold. "Why the hell did you do that?" Moosk asked ingdently.

"It's the Lord of the Dead, show some respect!"

"Who, Hades? We go way back."

"Why am I not surprised to find that you know Hades personally?" His-Long-Titleness wondered aloud, shaking his head. He then looked up. "Out of mere curiosity, why are you here?"

"You beseeched me," Hades replied simply, having enjoyed watching the argument.

"No, I didn't."

Hades flared up, blue flames racing along his body. "YOU DARE QUESTION A _GOD_?"

Voldemort, most evilest guy on earth, cowered. Just when he thought Hades was going to kill him, in popped a new guy. This one was tall, well-built, with beautiful red hair and he was wearing a white toga.

"Hades, they're asking about you on Olympus," the stranger said, and then he saw Moosk. "Moosk!"

"Herc!" she shouted joyfully, running over to the man and getting a huge hug.

"Oh, see, that's not fair, all I got was a smart comment," Hades pouted.

"You smell like brimstone," Moosk replied.

"Um, excuse me?" Voldemort asked.

"What?" all three asked, turning to look at him.

"How is this pertaining to the story?"

Hercules, Moosk, and Hades all looked at each other. "Sorry, guess you guys gotta go," Moosk said sadly.

The two nodded and popped out.

"Now, where were we?" Moosk wondered aloud. "Oh, yea, I was about to say…"

"Happy Un-Birthday!" She handed him a brightly wrapped package, smiling hugely.

The-Not-So-Most-Evil-Wizard took it timidly, as if it was about to bite him. It didn't make him feel better when Moosk said it wouldn't bite unless he wanted it to. Slowly, he peeled the wrapping back, revealing a box.

**GROW A GIRLFRIEND KIT**

"What?"

"You know," Moosk leaned in and whispered, "to help with your little virgin problem."

With a high pitched scream, the evilness lord stormed away. Taking the kit with him, Moosk noticed…

**A/N: Sorry if it sucks, but I'm tired. And today is my one year anniversary here on ff. net! Yay me!**


	33. IRON CHEF BRITIAN

**Peter-pan: Ok, so I didn't write this chapter, Moosk did and she would like me to mention that she doesn't know crap about cooking, so if anything seems off (other than the secret ingredient), it's not her fault and you're not to hold it against her, savvy?**

**Chapter something-or-another: IRON CHEF BRITAIN!**

It was very rarely the Dark Lord Voldemort woke to the smell of cooking. It was even rarer that the smell wasn't his underwear being burnt to a crisp. So on that fateful Tuesday morning, when the smell of something delectable caressed Tom Riddle's almost non-existent nostrils, there was reason to be worried. Fearing for his safety, Voldemort eased his old self out of bed, wary of any booby traps that might be lying in wait under his bed; in his undie drawer, in the toilet, et cetera.

Faced with nothing suspicious, Voldemort, in his growing stupidity, smiled. For the first time in approximately all his life, he was truly happy. Perhaps it was the scent wafting up from the kitchen that made him feel so elated, or perhaps it was the Firewhiskey, no one's here to judge, but today the Evil Doer decided he would like to partake breakfast in the kitchen, unarmed and in his PJs.

A horrible, terrible mistake on his part, to be sure.

"Welcome to IRON CHEF AMERICA!"

"What?!" Voldemort stared into the face of some muggle TV personality, utterly horrified that he was still in his Power Puff Girls flannel pajamas.

"Today, Challenger Tom Riddle will battle against one of our Iron Chefs to determine who will win the prestige of the title of GREATEST CHEF IN AMERICA!"

"We're in Britain…" the V pointed out.

"The title of GREATEST CHEF IN BRITAIN! Chose your opponent, Challenger!"

Lights came on in the kitchen, revealing Kitchen Stadium, and four opponents. Muggle

opponents, Voldemort noted sourly. They stood on platforms, posing smugly.

"Will it be Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, Masaharu Morimoto, or Mario Batali?"

V-dog blinked, stunned by the lights, and more importantly, the fact that his kitchen was

now a stadium. Whipping his head around frantically, Voldy spotted Snape operating the

boom near Cat Cora.

"SNAPE!"

"BOBBY FLAY IT IS THEN!!"

"I NEVER AGREED—oh, who am I kidding? Let's do this."

The lights dimmed, a platform rising in the center of the Stadium, covered with a heavy metal lid, and Voldemort shook off the distinct feeling he was going to regret this.

"I just wanted some toast…" An apron was shoved into his hands, frilly pink lace and baby blue sequins. It was hideous, but Lord V pulled it over his head.

The chairman leapt on the table, yanking off the lid as he went. On the platform sat a cage. In the cage were approximately fifty bats. And not the wooden kind, either.

"Today's secret ingredient! BATS! YOU HAVE AN HOUR!"

"Must you shout in my ear?"

"YES! BEGIN!!"

"Let's talk to our guest judges today, shall we?" At a table sat Harry Potter, Tom Cruise, and The Grinch. Harry was handed the mic.

"Well, my favorite in this battle is Bobby Flay, and that's not just because Voldemort is my mortal enemy. He can't cook, and I'm not convinced he's creative enough to pull off a win."

"Tom?"

"Well I think—"

"Grinch?!"

"I think the guy with no nose is going to run."

The chairman turned in time to see Masaharu Morimoto tackle Voldemort, chain him to the oven, and hand him a wooden spoon. The evil wizard looked as if he were about to cry. Morimoto pulled a long knife out of his apron and glared menacingly at the Challenger.

"COOK NOW!!"

Voldemort snapped to attention. "SIR, YES SIR!"

"The battle is OVER! PUT DOWN YOUR COOKING UTENSILS AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR FOOD!!"

"STOP YELLING IN MY EAR!!" Grabbing the nearest wooden spoon, Voldemort began beating the chairman with it.

"Jud—OW—judges, OUCH, JUDGES, JUDGE THE CHALLENGER NOW!"

Morimoto grabbed the Dark Lord by the waist and hoisted him to the judge's table.

Harry cleared his throat. "The challenge today was to prepare a main course and a dessert using the secret ingredient: bats. Bring out the Challenger's first dish." A plate of deep fried bat was placed in front of each judge. Harry looked repulsed, the Grinch thrilled, and Tom Cruise crazy.

"Harry? What do you think? Remember, there's points for creativity, flavor, texture, and presentation." The chairman rubbed his forehead where he had been beaten.

"Well, honestly, I'm not excited about this piece. I mean, what did you do, V, throw some bats into a deep fryer and shrug?"

**FLASHBACK**

"My Lord," queried Snape.

"Nnnyes?"

"What should I do with these large bats?"

"I don't know," the V shrugged, "throw them in a deep fryer?"

**END FLASHBACK**

"HA! I SHRUGGED FIRST, POTTER!"

"My point is, you didn't add anything, the texture is deplorable, and you threw it together on a paper plate. I'd have to score this one low, to be fair to the bat."

"You just don't like me, that's why you're giving me a low score."

"Are you pouting?"

"…What did you think, Grinch?" Voldemort refused to meet Harry's eyes. "I'm still mad about the cookies…"

"This is good, but I've had better. I mean, my dog Max adds this little bit of wild onion to it, and, well, you have to taste it for yourself. But this is rather bland, as far as bat goes. I thought the Easter plates were a nice touch, though."

Tom Cruise held up his plate. "Why does mine have hate mail attached to it?"

"Next dish!" The Grinch and Harry yelled in unison. Tom frowned, but brightened immediately upon seeing dessert.

"COOKIES!" Tom clapped like an excited 5-year-old.

Harry's head hit the table with a solid thump. "Did you even TRY?!"

"But they're cute!!"

"I'll ignore the fact that you just used the word cute to comment that THE POINT OF THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS TO USE IT!"

The cookies in question were chocolate chip, shaped like bats in flight. There were little green icing smiles on each.

"I'm not giving you any points for that."

"I LOVE COOKIES!!" Tom smiled and grabbed a handful.

The chairman looked at Morimoto. The burly Japanese man nodded, stalking towards Tom. Within a few seconds, Tom was hog-tied and gagged, bound to his chair.

"Are we done yet?" The Grinch massaged his temples. "I have Christmas-ruining to do."

"Bring out Bobby Flay's first dish!" A ceramic dish, handcrafted in Malaysia and painted with an edible, organic tangerine-based glaze was placed on the judge table. In the middle of the plate stood a base of cranberry and orange peel jelly, topped with fillet of bat wing. A green bell pepper was placed to the side for decoration.

"That's beautiful." Harry was near tears. As he tasted the delicacy he nearly reached orgasm. "Bobby Flay, will you marry me?!" The Iron Chef looked a bit perturbed, but smiled nonetheless.

"Uh, I'm not in the market at the moment… Can someone bring out the next dish, please?!"

The dessert was served on a cedar plank. Cherry blossoms were sprinkled about the plank in sharp contrast to the slightly charred wood. The bat breast meat had been puréed and frozen in the ice cream maker, along with a lemon sorbet mix. The resulting sorbet had been spooned into a homemade crust that had strips of bat wing kneaded in. A mint leaf had been placed to the side of the sorbet to give even more color.

"My God…"

"It's beautiful!" The Grinch greedily helped himself to Cruise's dish as well as his own.

Harry sighed dreamily as he tasted the sorbet.

"I think we know who won…" the chairman said as he pried Riddle away from Bobby Flay's throat. "BOBBY FLAY WINS!"

"I hate you, Bobby Flay!"

"It's nothing personal; I've been doing this for quite a while, and well, I am a professional."

"Fine, 'professional,' make me some toast," Voldemort sneered, "and Potter, I'll have you know those cookies were poisoned."

"I didn't eat any." Tom Cruise's eyes widened considerably as he began thrashing against his bonds.

"Well, at least Tom's taken care of."

The chairman bowed his head. "Apologies to Katie Holmes."

Voldemort snorted. "Katie, I take 50s and 100s. No personal checks, please."

"You're terrible." Harry shook his head disapprovingly.

"She's welcome."

**A/N: I have nothing against Tom Cruise's acting. His personal sanity, however, is another matter. These are my views (I won't say my views alone, because I know half of VH1 agrees with me) and do not reflect the view of peter-pan-equals-luv or her affiliates.**

**Peter-pan: Hey, leave me affiliates alone!**


	34. Say what?

**Disclaimer: Once again, I tell you people I don't own it. The 'tongue losseners' isn't even mine. It belongs to the great and powerful Mel Brooks. ALL HAIL MEL BROOKS AND HIS WICKED AWESOMENESS!**

**Please read the A/N at the end.**

"Stephy, go get the tongue losseners," Voldie said as he stared down at a spy from the Order.

Stephy remained sitting in the corner, filing her nails to points.

"Stephy… Stephy!… STEPHY!" V-mort shouted.

Stephy looked up and said crossly, "What?"

"The tongue losseners. Go get them!"

"What?"

"The tongue losseners, you silly girl!"

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"The tongue losseners! On that table over there," V said, pointing to the aforementioned table. Stephy glanced at it, then back to the Evil Lord, a questioning look in her eyes. "THE TONGUE LOSSENERS! GO GET THEM!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

Voldemort pressed his thin fingers to his temples. "Some torture session this turned out to be. Stupid frickin' minions. I think I'm going to finally kill them." He sighed and looked up and back to the young girl, who had returned to filing her nails. He walked over to her purposely. Setting a hand on either side of her, V-man leaned in close. "Stephy," he ground out from between clenched teeth, "go get the tongue losseners."

A look of comprehension dawned. "Oh, ok, now I get it! Gee, why didn't you just ask instead of yelling?!?" she said, pushing him away and jumping off the table. "I'll go tell the cooks you want peas for dinner. You know I don't like them, but hey, you're the evil lord dude." She moved past him and headed out of the dungeon.

Voldie glared after her, one of his eyes twitching. Suddenly, he heard snickering behind him. The Order member was trying to keep a straight face, which we all know it near impossible when you're actually looking at V.

"Oh, you think it's funny?" Volderkins asked.

The man nodded.

"It was a rhetorical question!"

"It's still funny," JD shouted from the top of the stairs.

Tom sighed. "Think happy thoughts… Death, killer rabbits, the plague…"

**A/N: PLEASE READ! Yea, I know, full of mindless chatter. I never promised you funny! Anywho's, this was mostly written so I could tell youse guys about the first (and last) ever Christmas Duo! Or, possibly, Trio. Still working on that…**


	35. Twas The Nightmare Before Christmas

**I DISCLAIM: I don't own Harry Pothea- er, Potter, nor any characters you recognize. I do own my original characters, including, but not limited to JD, Moosk (kinda), and Stephy (kinda). I also don't own the poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' by Clement Moore (who owns it, obviously) nor do I own the title "Nightmare Before Christmas" (that would be the most awesome Tim Burton). I thank you.**

**A/N: Welcome to Day 1 of the Christmas Trio. Enjoy and please leave a contibution in the little box.**

**WARNING!!! PLEASE READ FIRST!!! This is for all of you 'anal' readers out there who will complain if I don't mention this beforehand.**

**A) A lot of this won't rhyme. I'm not good with rhymes. It happens.**

**2) This is mostly making fun of Santa, though Voldie gets a bit of it.**

**B) THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE! Due to the large alcohol content, this might need a slightly higher rating.**

**NOW, IF YOU FLAME ME, BUT DIDN'T READ THE ABOVE MESSAGE, I WILL TOTALLY IGNORE YOU. No, seriously, I will.**

**Twas The Nightmare Before Christmas**

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the mansion

Not a creature was stirring, not even Voldie was out.

The Death Eater masks were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that they would soon dry from the moist England air.

The Death Eaters were nestled all snug in their chairs,

While visions of Voldie's humiliation danced in their heads.

And the girls in their pjs and Voldie asleep,

All had settled their nerves for the greatest showdown.

When out of Voldie's room there arose such a noise,

V-man sprang from his bed as JD stabbed him with a pin.

Away to the window Voldemort hit like a flash,

Broke up the shutters and threw up on the sash.

As the girls peeked out to the new-fallen snow

The moon gave lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to Moosks' wondering eyes should appear,

But a neon orange sleigh and eight tin reindeer.

With a large old driver, so drunk and slurring,

They knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than Superman his coursers they came,

And he hiccupped and shouted and called them by name!

"Now You! now, Stooge! now, Patsy and Wimp!

On, Blitzed! On, (burp)! on, on Donny and Pimp!

To the top of Voldemort head! to the top of that ego!

Now move away! Move away! Move away all!"

As dry heaves that before the worlds largest toilet fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, move out the way.

So up to the house-top the tin coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Booze, and that drunk St Nicolas too.

And then, in a mad rush, all ran to the roof

The Dark Lord getting pushed and shoved with an 'oof!.'

As all hit the third floor and were beginning to turn around,

Out of the john St Nicolas came with a blelch.

He was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts,

And his clothes were all stained from greasy food and cheap beer.

A six pack of tequila he had just opened,

And he looked like a bartender, just closing for the night.

His eyes-how they were glazed! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as stained as his shirt.

The stump of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled Voldie's head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a big round beer belly,

That shook as he burped, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right rude old elf,

And JD laughed when she saw him, in spite of the look she received!

A squint of his eye and a twist of his hand,

Soon had JD fighting the bonds that held her from him.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings with coal, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger inside of his nose,

And pulling out a big one, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whip,

And away they all flew with a sound like a train.

But all heard him exclaim, over the roar of the engine,

"Happy Christmas to all that don't live in Voldie's manor!"


	36. Happy Christmas, Moldy

**A/N: Happy holidays, everyone, and welcome to Day 2 of the Christmas Trio! Hope your (insert celebration of faith here) is most excellent. I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter. Now, if Sabrina would just send me the next one...**

**Happy Christmas, Moldy**

The next morning, Voldie awoke to someone… two someone's… three, four, five someone's?!? bouncing on his king size bed. All were shouting varies things.

"Wake up, Moldie!" and "PRESENTS!" AND MY CAPS LOCK IS STUck… oh, there it goes. Right and also "It's Christmas!!!"

In a rather weak attempt to get them off his bed, V swatted at the miscreants and missed them completely. Finally, he opened his eyes to find JD, Moosk, Stephy, the Sevster, and Lucius all jumping around excitedly. Voldemort wasn't exactly in the best mood, seeing as how the whole Santa thing had kept him up till all hours and it was freakin' six in the morning!

_How on earth do these people have any energy?!?_ he wondered. What he didn't know was that after he had gone to bed, the crew had gone wild and raided the kitchen, drinking lots of coffee and eating more chocolate than was good for anyone.

So, anyways, V-man got everyone off his bed and stood up, showing everyone his pink boxers with little bunnies on them. Which, naturally, meant that the girls burst out laughing and the men snickered. He quickly wrapped his robe around his skinny frame and forced everyone out of his chambers.

And, as each person went by, they gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Voldie stood there for a moment, a stunned look on his face, before he wiped his face off with his sleeve.

"That's disgusting."

_Downstairs…_

V-noddle walked into the den where all the Death Eaters were gathered around a Christmas tree, opening presents. Even Draco was there, opening a present that JD handed him.

Suddenly, Bella was beside him. "Hello, My Lord," she 'whispered' 'seductively.'

"Morning, Bella," Veej grunted out, upset with the festivities. Suddenly, he was getting a rather juicy kiss from the ex-inmate.

"Happy Christmas," she said as she pulled away.

Just as quick as she appeared, she was gone. And in her place was Wormtail. He, too, gave the Evil-ish one a big wet one, then was gone.

V just stood there, stunned.

And so it continued.

No matter where he went, there was someone kissing him. He couldn't figure it out. Well, that is until he went to use the john and saw his reflection. There it was, floating above his head. The worst tradition EVER.

Mistletoe.

Tommy let out a horribly high-pitched scream and into the bathroom running came The Musketeers and the Sevster.

"Oh, it's only you," Sevvy said. "I thought Draco had seen a spider."

Another high pitched scream ripped through the air. "Nope, that was Draco," Sev said, leaving to go torture Draco with the spider.

"What… did… you… do?" V'd gritted out from between clenched teeth.

"What do you mean?" JD asked, looking genuinely curious.

"The bloody mistletoe floating above my head!" he replied, still with the teeth clenched.

"Oh, that," Moosk said. She leaned in real close. "We thought it might help you little virgin problem," she whispered.

"I DON'T HAVE A VIRGIN PROBLEM!" he screeched.

"Yea, you do!" Bella shouted back.

His-Royal-Long-Titleness' entire face twitched. "Either way, you had better make this go away!"

"Um, we can't," Stephy told him.

"And why in Hades name not?!?"

"Someone has to say the magic words," JD said.

Twitch twitch twitch… "And, what precisely, IS the magic words?"

"Technically, it's 'what, precisely, ARE the magic words'" Moosk corrected him.

"WHAT?"

"Well, you said the sentence wrong. 'Is' is more of a singular word, whereas 'are' is used as the plural form," Stephy said.

"And why am I getting a grammar lesson when all I want is the magic words?!" Veej asked, his face turning red.

"Because you were grammatically incorrect," JD told him.

"JUST TELL ME WHAT THE MAGIC WORDS ARE!"

"Um, I'm afraid we don't know them. They weren't included in the spell," Moosk said, her eyes glinting mischievously.

"You mean to tell me I'm doomed to walk around with this bloody twig floating above me until I learn the magic words?"

"Basically," the girls chorused.

Voldie stormed out of the bathroom.

"Gee, like it's really so hard to say 'please' and 'thank you,'" Stephy snorted.

**A/N: I know, I know, not my best work. However, as I'm writing this, I'm really very tired. I have to get this sent off to Sabrina so that she can write the next chapter of the Christmas Trio. I do hope you'll forgive me. XOXO**


	37. Boxing Day!

**A note from JD: And here's the last of the Christmas Trio. Hope ya'll had a happy holiday. Who knows, I might do something for New Years! (not likely...)**

**Boxing Day!**

Not many people in Britain know exactly why they don't work the day after Christmas. Boxing Day is just another day. But not at the Riddle Manor. No, Boxing Day was a day that the Dark Lord Voldemort would NEVER forget.

Still rather unhappy about the mistletoe incident, the Dark Lord refused to go near the witches currently standing in the kitchen. And he had yet to fix his "virgin problem."

"What the hell is this?" Moosk held up a white envelope and peered at it suspiciously. It had the words "To: Demon Spawn" scrawled haphazardly across the top. She sniffed it warily. " 'Demon Spawn'? JD, I'm pretty sure this is yours."

JD shook her head. "Nah, mine says 'Green Initials,'" she paused, looking around, "and Stephy's is right over there." Laying on the kitchen table was a third letter. It read "Newest Bane of My Existence."

"Now that's not very nice."

"JD, I think that's the entire point. So… Open yours."

"No way. I don't know what's in there! It could be anthrax, or something equally-- who am I kidding? This is V-dog we're talking about. It's harmless." JD flipped the envelope over, ripping the top half away. There was a gasp as silence covered the room like the thick blanket of snow inside Voldie's room (which was Stephy's fault, really). The snow was the icing on the cake, which was why Stephy was at this moment stuck in a muggle airport somewhere in Colorado, cursing the loss of her wand. But I digress.

"Is that cash," Moosk inquired.

"Cold, hard, GLORIOUS CASH!" JD jumped for joy, spinning in circles as she chanted.

"How much," Moosk wondered as she opened her own parcel.

"COLD, HARD, GLORIOUS CASH!"

The blue-haired witch shook her head. "There's only about 9 American dollars in there."

"COLD, hard, what?" JD counted the few bills clenched in her hand, her face falling. "WHAT?! DAMN THAT MAN!!"

Moosk nodded. "I think that's our yearly wages. Are you so surprised? Really, I'm shocked he gave us ANY money."

"But why now? Why not yesterday?"

"We're his underlings, right?"

"… In a manner of speaking, yes."

"Today is Boxing Day. That's the day when the lords of the manor pay their underlings. It's to keep class lines from slipping into oblivion. If we were equals, we'd have to give V-dog a gift as well."

"Does a hex count as a gift?" JD stroked her wand while smiling evilly.

"No…" her companion sighed. "We could set his house elves free. But that would just up our amount of labor… hmmm…"

"Wait…." JD's eyes got large, the look of someone who just figured out the mystery of some mysterious thing splashed across her face.

"No, we couldn't!"

"YES WE COULD! WE **ARE** THAT EVIL!"

**HPSUCKS**

"Snape, I'd like to present you with your yearly wages." The potions master looked up from the morning paper, scowled and continued reading the article. Some muggle restaurant chain was having trouble with _E. coli _outbreaks. Stupid muggles.

"Did you not hear your lord? I said, I'd like to present you with your yearly--"

"I heard you the first time. God. I could really care less about that three pesos. I'm never going to be anywhere to use them. And pesos have been devalued so much in the past year that won't buy anything."

"Oh, shut up. Take your money."

"How 'bout no?"

"DON'T MAKE ME SHOVE THESE PESOS WHERE THE SOL DON'T SHINE!!"

Snape sighed, rolled his eyes, and begrudgingly took the envelope. Just as the Riddle man was beginning to smile, JD apparated beside him, filling her lungs with air.

Voldemort cringed before she let it out.

"LORD VO- oh, there you are!"

"Why must everyone yell in my ears?"

"Thanks for our wages, Veester. We want to thank you with a little gift of our own."

"Do you not understand the concept of class lines?"

"Class what?" There was silence. "Come out to the living room!!"

"This can't be good…" The bald Lord followed anyway. He wasn't particularly good at following his instincts.

In the living room Moosk stood against a large box, about the size of a refrigerator box.

"You got me an ice box?"

"No. Somethin' better!"

"I'm going to hate myself in a few minutes, aren't I," he asked as he moved towards the box. The two women moved behind Snape, snickering.

"Open it!"

"Pull that ribbon in front of your face!"

"Step back when it opens!!" Voldemort obeyed the last command, stepping back as the sides of the box fell to the floor. In the middle of the box stood none other than--

"HARRY POTTER!!" The witches laughed- cackled really- and ducked behind Snape as Voldemort spun angrily on his heel. "YOU GOT ME HARRY BLEEDING POTTER FOR BOXING DAY?!"

"I thought the bow on his head was a nice touch," Snape interjected.

"Shut up. You," his Long Titleness whipped around to face Harry, who was slightly stunned to be standing in his archenemy's living room, "I'm still mad at you for scoring my cookies poorly during Iron Chef!"

"What the hell am I doing here?!" The savior of the wizarding world looked around in confusion.

"We had to stun him to get him into the box…" Moosk reflected. "Maybe we shouldn't've hit him in the head…?"

"I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE THIS INSTANT!!"

"Happy Boxing Day, Chief!"

"OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"That's what you get for giving us nine bucks, tight wad!"

"I WANT COOKIES!"

"Draco, SHUT UP! You, GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"UP YOURS, YOU WRINKLY OLD VIRGIN!"

"Leave my virginity out of this!"

**A note from Sabrina: **What an ending sentence… Happy Holidays, dear readers! Your reviews are always welcome and appreciated!!

**Another note from JD:** Heh, too good. Now, ya'll should leave a review and stoke Sabrina's ego :mutters: not that she needs it...

P.S. Sorry about the late post. I had to work late and only just got home about 15 minutes ago.


	38. 12 Days Of Christmas

**A/N: I apologize greatly for not writing anything for so long, but I have no access to my laptop because, eh, I, um… locked myself out of it. Stupid Vista. Luckily, my sister is letting me use her laptop, so I can bring you this Christmas special! Yay!** **And it's extra long, so it's more of a treat! So now I bring you the Voldemort Christmas Special 2007. :gegglesnort:**

**The 12 days of Christmas**

**December 14th**

Voldie was tired. Really tired. Especially at the stupid author for ignoring him for the past seven months. Anyways, it had been a long day. All day long, the Musketeers had been singing. Christmas carols, they said. Voldie hated Christmas. Almost as much as he hated Harry. And the Musketeers. And Snape, that smug s.o.b. And bunnies. Well, except the Killer Rabbit on Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Killer Rabbits are awesome.

Um, sorry. I digress

So, Voldie decided to go to bed early and try to rest up for the next disaster that would was bound to happen tomorrow with those damned girls. He laid back on his frilly pink bed and sighed. Peace at last.

"Pssssssssst."

Oh, no.

"PSSSsssssst."

Not now.

"PSSSSSSSSssssssst."

_Maybe if I just lay here, they'll go away. Or think I'm asleep._

"PPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT!"

"By the way, we know you're not asleep," JD said.

Voldie sat up with a sigh. "Well, I bloody would be if you twits would leave me alone!"

All three girls snickered. "Twits, what a great comeback!" Stephy laughed.

"Well, maybe I would have better comebacks if you three would just LEAVE ME ALONE! Plus, this story is basically PG, so it's not like I can cuss you out," Voldie growled.

"True dat, yo," Moosk said. "bleep bleep bleep bleep See, no fun at all."

"Wait, what the hell are you… for lack of better word, people doing in my bedroom?!?"

"Oh, yea, we got you a Christmas present," JD said.

Voldie glared at the three pajama clad witches. "It's not Christmas yet."

Moosk rolled her eyes. "Duh, we know this. However, we decided that we should honor you with the twelve days of Christmas."

One of Voldie's eyes twitched. "Please no."

The witches cackled evilly. "Please yes!" They moved to the side to reveal a huge box behind them. Voldie buried himself under his covers. "If I can't see it, it's not there if I can't see it, it's not there if I can't see it, it's not there if I can't see it, it's not there."

The girls grabbed the covers off the bed and took off running. The-lord-of-extremely-long-titles flinched at the sight of the box, but knew it would have to be opened eventually. Resolutely, he picked at the wrapping on the box. The box fell apart to reveal a boy of about 17, oddly enough, in pajamas as well. Voldie's eyes grew round. Well, as round as they can get when they're only little red slits. "Are you the ghost of Christmas future," he whispered, terrified.

The boy looked up and grinned. He had blue-black hair with fire engine red streaks and it was flipped to the side, dark green eyes, and a goatee. He actually looked a bit like an emo Abercrombie model.

"Actually, I'm your new recruit. My name is Michael and I'm the fourth Musketeer."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

_On the first day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_One new Musketeer…_

**December 15**

The-lord-of-titles awoke happily from his dreams of world domination and kittens. In it, there was no Musketeers. He sat up and scanned his room, still partially in dream world. His reality was quickly shattered as he spotted Moosk, JD, Stephy, and the new one, what's-his-name, Michael. Oh, great, he remember their names. Then the previous night came rushing back to him. It had been horrible. After the new one introduced himself, the girls came running back in and the four of them forced him to listen to JD read _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ out loud. He only managed to escape the horror of it by sobbing himself to sleep.

It appeared that they had fallen asleep in his room. Crap, that was going to make it harder to leave without them knowing. Voldie decided to attempt it anyway, and slowly climbing out of bed, he crept over to the door, carefully twisted the knob, eased the door open…

_CREEEEEEEAAAAAKKKKKK!_

_Oh, poo_ Voldie thought just before he was tackled.

"Moldie-kins!" All of them shouted.

"Leave me alone," the lord of all evil screamed, wiggling out from under the dog pile and running down the hall to the kitchen.

Sev poked a sleepy head out his door. "Wassgonon?"

The four stood up and blinked innocently at the Potions Master. "Whatever are you talking about, Sevester?" Moosk asked. Then they all strolled innocently down the hall to where the frighten Dark Lord ran off to.

Sev blinked and muttered, "Don't call me Sevester…"

"I HEARD THAT," JD yelled, causing him to wince. The now four Musketeers walked into the kitchen just in time to see Voldemort duck behind Bella and Lucius. JD and Moosk motioned for Michael and Stephy to set in motion the next part of their plan while they went to grab a certain 'evil' wizard. As soon as they approached, both Death Eaters moved out of the way, revealing Voldemort crouched on the floor.

"Traitors," he hissed as the two witches hauled him off the floor.

"Come on, milord, it's now the second day of Christmas and time for your second gift!" JD said excitedly.

"And what if I don't want it," he growled, trying to jerk away until Moosk put a binding spell on him.

"Trust us, you'll like this one. And if you don't, we'll make you like it," the blue clad witch said in a way that made V-dog tremble. JD and Moosk both let out an ear-piercing whistle and in walked Stephy, followed by Michael. Both carried a big ice cream sundae. Chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, with Reeses' topping, chopped peanuts, whipped cream, and a plumb, red cherry on top, sprinkled with powdered sugar. Every mothers worst nightmare. Sugar coma. Well, you get the point. I think I got a sugar high just writing that, haha.

Voldie blinked as Moosk removed the binding spell. "Are both of those for _me_?"

The Musketeers smiles all brightened three more notches. "Yup." JD scrubbed a spoon clean on her green robes before handing it to the Dark Lord. "Eat up," Michael said.

Voldie did, with enthusiasm, eating the first one in record time, feeling as though he was finally getting what he deserved. He was halfway through the second one when he paused, looking confused.

"Something wrong, milord," Stephy asked, concerned. Voldemort nodded, slowly turning blue. Stephy ran her wand over him quickly. "Uh-oh."

JD squinted at her. "What-oh?"

Stephy turned to her, blinking. "Um, he's allergic to peanuts." The Dark Lord started gasping and Stephy turned back to him, muttering several spells over him. After a few tense moments, Voldemort turned back to his normal pale white color. Feeling bad for almost killing him, the four helped him back to bed, and promised him that they would make sure that no one would disturb him for the rest of the day.

And they did it with much gusto, yelling loudly at anyone who dare came near his chambers, even if they were just walking past. Needless to say, it wasn't very restful for the Dark One.

_On the second day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 16**

Voldemort stormed down the hall, intend on ignoring everyone that dared even glance at him. After his near-death experience the day before, he was in a foul mood and wands were about to be blasted. Not to mention, the Musketeers were on the third day of Christmas. Who knows what they were going to pull out of their arses today. I can tell you one thing, Voldie was not excited about it.

_In the West Wing…_

"Oh, come on, Michael, you wanted to join us, you have to do this one!" JD urged him, pushing the box into the red clad wizards hands.

"Yea, but that was before we almost killed him!" Michael yelled. Moosk and Stephy snorted.

"Oh, it's not the first time we _almost_ killed him and it won't be the last," Moosk said.

JD snickered. "Remember the time we almost gave him an apoplexy? Or the time we 'forgot' him at the theater and found him with the Phantom. He almost had a heart attack!"

Moosk sighed. "Look, all you have to do is hand him the box and say 'Happy Third Day of Christmas!' and smile like a manic. Then walk away."

Stephy nodded. "Easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

The four Musketeer glared at the other three. "I bet none of you had to do anything like this," he pouted.

"Well, me and Moosk didn't," JD said. "Me, because I'm the mastermind behind this whole thing and Moosk because she was the first one to carry one of them out. Stephy did, though. She gave Voldie a 'makeover.'"

Michael sighed wearily. The things he did for JD…

_Wherever Voldie happened to be…_

Voldie sat on the couch, staring at the broken TV set, Lucius' hockey stick still sticking out of it. "I really need a new TV."

"Oh, my dear, sweet Voldie-kins," Michael sang out. V-dog groaned and tried, unsuccessfully, to make himself appear smaller. The emo wizard strolled into the room, spotting him immediately. Michael strolled right up to him and handed him a box. It was a pretty box, really. It was wrapped in bright, neon blue paper with neon orange Christmas trees and topped with neon pink and neon purple ribbons.

"Happy Third Day of Christmas," he said brightly, his pearly whites blindingly white. Then he turned and walked out, which never bode well for Volds. The Oh-So-Dark-And-Evil-One sighed and quickly undid the ribbons and took the top off. Inside sat three Jarveys.

"Oi, pinhead, waddaya lookin at?"

"Ya lazy sausehead!"

"Yer mother was a pea hen!"

And that was only the beginning of the sting of insults Voldie got that day from his new pets and only the ones I could type without getting into trouble.

_On the third day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Three Jarvey_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 17**

Voldie was in the bathroom, trying to lock the Jarveys in the toilet, but they just kept coming back up, kinda like my grandma's fruitcake. He ended up just locking them in the bathroom, the three of them cursing loudly through the door. V-dog cast a silencing spell on the door and warded it. He sighed and turned around, letting out a shrill scream as he saw the Musketeers.

"Hiya, Voldie-poo!" Moosk shouted.

"HAPPY FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS!" JD yelled.

"Please no…" Voldie groaned, sinking to the floor.

"Yup, and today, we got you…" Stephy whipped out four slips of paper and dangled them in front of the cowering Dark Lord. "HORSEBACK RIDING TICKETS!"

"I… I can't. I'm, ah, allergic to horses," Voldie stuttered.

"Liar, we checked. Now, don't make us bind you," Michael said, a threatening smile lighting his face.

_Two hours later…_

Bound and gagged, Voldie sat in the office of Val Salts, director of Ride Till You Die Horseback Riding. The four Musketeers were talking to Val about the vouchers they had gotten for Voldie. It was agreed that, instead of four separate horseback rides, they would just let Volds ride the wildest horse that they had.

So, down to the stable they went and, dragging Voldie behind them. Into the stall of Wonderwall. The horse was gigantic, the size of one of the flying horses the French headmistress had. Probably bigger. He was with red eyes and a red tail and mane. Moosk took off Voldies gag.

The evil wizard rotated his jaw. "Well, that one doesn't look to bad."

The horse pawed at the ground innocently. Soon, Wonderwall was all saddled up and Voldie loaded on. JD discreetly cast a sticking charm on the saddle so V couldn't get off at any point. Michael led the horse out of the stall and gave him a good slap on the bum. Wonderwall reared, His Evilness failing about helplessly and did the worst thing possible. He dropped the reins.

Wonderwall took off like a shot and didn't return for four hours. Voldies hands were clenched tightly around his mane.

Stephy walked up to him, two of stable hands following her. She removed the sticking charm and untangled his hands from the horse. Moosk used a spell to lift him off and set him on the ground at their feet.

"Milord?" JD questioned. Voldie let out a whimper and curled into a ball. "I think we broke him," she whispered.

_On the fourth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 18**

The Musketeers quietly walked into His-Really-Long-Titled-Ness' room. "Milord? We've brought you your fifth day of Christmas present," Stephy whispered. He whimpered and curled up even tighter under his Dora the Explorer blanket.

"We promise it's nothing bad. We think it might actually help you get over… well, you-know-what," Michael said.

"Don't mention… that," Voldie said, his voice hoarse, still not coming out from under his covers.

"Here, just look at this," Moosk said. Against his better judgment, Voldi sat up, keeping his cover wrapped tight around himself. The Musketeers were standing at the end of his bed, two on either side of a large black box. In the front of the box was a shiny reflective… thing and on top of the big black box was a smaller silver box, numbers flashing on the front panel.

"What is it, a Muggle bomb?" His Evilness asked wearily.

"Eh, not quite. The big one is a TV and the smaller box on top is a DVD player," JD said, bending down and pushing a button on the 'TV.' "Happy fifth day of Christmas!" the four of them said, not wanting to startle him. As one, they all put their hands in front of him, each with a small, thin, purple box with a picture of…

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME…"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?"

They all snickered, "It's Barney. He's your friend," JD said.

"We all got you a different one and the fifth one is from OOPH!" Moosk got elbowed in the ribs before finishing her sentence and she glared at Michael. However, VoVo wasn't paying attention, enraptured by the giant purple dinosaur who was singing a song about cookies being stolen.

"All better?" Michael asked. V-ish grunted, not turning away from the TV. The Musketeers high-fived each other. "Well done, ladies."

_On the fifth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 19**

Voldie sat in the living room, immersed in a Barney DVD on the big screen. In strolled JD, Moosk, Sev, Bella, Michael, and Stephy. The line moved in front of the TV, blocking it from view. "HEY!" V-dog yelled.

"HAPPY SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS!" they all yelled. Well, shrieked. As one, they took their hands from behind their back, each with a package of underwear in their hands. Not just any underwear, but frilly, lacey pink underwear.

"What the hell are those?!"

Moosk rolled her eyes. "It's underwear, duh. You wear it to cover your butt and…" she snickered, "well, your other private bits."

"Coughvirgincough."

"Who said that?!" screamed V-ge.

Everyone looked back at him innocently. A little too innocently…

"Ok, what's the joke," his royal pain in the butt asked.

"Oh, nothing," Stephy said in a singsong voice. Everyone thrust their underwear package into Voldies hands and ran out of the room.

_That was weird_, Voldie thought, before turning back to his TV. Only…

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY BARNEY DVD?!?"

Out in the hallway, the four Musketeers, Sev and Bella were crouched, trying to stifle their laughter. It wasn't working very well since they could still hear their Lord ranting and raving and crying over his lost DVDs.

"Thanks for helping us, Auntie Bella," Stephy said.

"And you too, Sevs-" JD started before Sevster covered her mouth with his hand. He quickly pulled his hand away after JD licked it.

_On the sixth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 20**

_POP! POP! POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!_

"What is that bloody noise?!" Voldie asked, well yelled. Why is there always yelling at that house, I wonder?

"What_ POP! _noise," JD yelled back. _POP!_

"That noise!," he yelled back. _POP!_

"I'm right here, you don't have to yell. Geez," JD said, standing next to him.

_POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!_

Voldie glared at her. "What is that infernal racket?"

JD grinned cheerily. "Oh, it's your Seventh Day of Christmas present."

V-ed sighed. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is it?"

JD started pulling on his hand. "You have to come down to the meeting room to find out." The green clad witch pulled the reluctant Dark Lord with her. Down into the meeting room they went, a blue clad Moosk opening the door for them. Inside was wall to wall bubble paper. The Death Eaters were having a blast popping the little swollen bits of plastic.

_POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!_

"STOP ALL THAT WRETCHED POPPING!" Every head in the room turned to face the door, where the irate dark wizard stood. He turned to Moosk. "How much of that crap did you get?!"

Moosk pretended to think for a moment. "Let's see… it's the seventh day of Christmas and the Musketeers got you seven rolls of bubble paper." Both girls grinned mischievously.

Voldies stared. Seven? "Please no."

The Musketeers cackled evilly. "Oh, come on, it's not that bad!" Michael exclaimed.

"Yea, I mean, we did the calculations and figured out that the bubble paper will only last…" Here, Stephy paused.

"Continue!" Voldie demanded, desperate for the answer and dreading it at the same time.

"Three months," JD piped up.

There was a thud as the dark one fainted. Everyone started snickering and continued to _POP!_ the bubbles.

_On the seventh day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 21**

Voldie woke up on the floor in the den, wearing only a pair of his new pink underwear. He started to sit up and groaned. "Oh, I'm never drinking like that again…" he moaned to himself.

"Please don't, that was horrible," Stephy said from the doorway. "You plus booze equals nightmares."

"At least I'm finally giving you nightmares," Vold mumbled.

Stephy chuckled. "Oh, no, not me, Lucius and Draco."

Now Voldie did sit up. "Draco had better not have brought those damned Queer Guys back!"

"Oh, he did, but they left again last night, said something about not wanting to be seen in this house," Moosk said, strolling into the room.

"Where are those other two at?" Voldie wondered out loud.

"What other two?" Stephy asked.

"Yea, I mean, there are so many people in this house, you could mean any two people," Moosk continued.

"JD and the new one, what's-his-face, Michael," Vold said, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"Oh, _those_ two!" Stephy exclaimed.

"Yea, probably found some nice closet to snog in," Moosk said.

"Agh! Rated M!" Lord-of-All-Evil screamed. Just then, the two in question strolled in, followed by Sev, Bella, Lucius, and the missing Draco. It was then that his evilness noticed that everyone, including Moosk and Stephy, had their hands behind their backs. That worried him. A lot more than he would ever admit. Then, suddenly…

"HAPPY EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS!" Everyone shouted at the same time. Hands were whipped around to the front of their owners bodies and in everyone's hand was a red, fuzzy doll… thing. As one, they all sat their doll down on the ground, pressed one of the hands and ran out of the room. The eight dolls started moving at the same time and sang…

_You put your left foot in_

_You put your left foot out_

_You put your left foot in_

_And you shake it all about_

When they checked in on him later, everyone found that the evil one had charmed all of the dolls to move on their own. And so he was having a tea party with them.

_On the eighth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Eight Hokey-Pokey Elmo dolls_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 22**

"Come on!" Michael said, tugging Voldies arm, the dark lord lagging behind. "There are only nine poems to be read!"

"Yea," Moosk threw in, "one for each day of the nine days of Christmas."

Vold sighed. "I'm really beginning to hate Christmas." The group of ten walked into The Yava Group, a coffee house slash poem reading place thing. Voldie, Moosk, JD, Stephy, Micheal, Sev, Bella, Lucius, Draco, and Pansy found seats in the front row just as the first poet got on stage.

He cleared his throat. "Puppies, rainbows, kittens and hearts, these are all the things that I love…"

Before Vo could scream, Draco slapped a silencing spell on him and Sev a binding spell so he couldn't leave.

"You're gonna ruin it!" Draco hissed.

And so they had to sit through nine poems, all thirty minutes long, all the same as the first, happy rainbow stuff. Later, as they were leaving, V turned to Sev.

"How the hell did you make it through all that?" he questioned the Potions Master. Snape continued walking. "Hey, I'm talking to you," V-ge snarled, smacking him upside the head.

"WTF?" Sev yelled, pulling something out of his ears. "Why did you do that?!?"

He-Who-Has-Long-Titles pointed at the black things in his hands. "What are those?"

Snape held them up. "These? These are ear buds. They block out unpleasant sounds by playing music." He looked at the dark one pointedly.

Naturally, he didn't notice, continuing to question Sev. "What are you listening to?"

The Potions Master held out the 'ear buds' and Volds placed them in his ears.

_Time after time_

_If you're lost_

_You can look_

_And you will find me_

_Time after time…_

V-dog started humming along and before they even reached the car, was singing along. Loudly and _very_ off-key. After the song was over, a man's voice came on.

"Puppies, rainbows, kittens and hearts, these are all the things that I love…"

The Dark One tried to pull the plugs out, but was unable to due to the fact that JD had super glued them in. And so he had to sit through the poems all over again. And again. And again. And again until Michael was able to get the plugs out. Using the Jaws of Life.

_On the ninth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Nine poems to be read_

_Eight Hokey-Pokey Elmo dolls_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 23**

"Get moving!" Moosk said, pushing her lord towards the opera house. But they couldn't really call it that, since V-ge banned the word 'opera' after the little 'incident' with the Phantom.

"Wait, didn't the same thing happen last night?" Vold questioned, reluctantly walking forward.

"What do you mean?" Michael questioned back.

Vo paused, only to be pushed forward again by JD. "I mean, weren't we doing this same thing last night? Except last night we went to the coffee house… It's like history is repeating itself."

"Hey, you're right," Stephy said in surprise.

"It's only because the author is running out of ideas trying to get this up by tonight," Moosk said defensively. "I mean, she only had, like, a week to write this."

"STOP DEFENDING HER!" Voldemort yelled.

"STOP RESISTING ME AND MOVE YOUR BLEEP!" JD yelled back, giving him a hard _shove_ towards the door. The lady looked up from behind her Plexiglas and stared at the eleven odd people standing in front of her.

"Can I help you," she asked snootily.

"Yea, you can drop the accent, first of all," Moosk said. The lady looked insulted and opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by JD.

"Secondly, we have a reservation for ten for Swan Lake, under the name Big Lord Boogie-pants."

The lady snapped her mouth closed, realizing these were very important guests. She quickly pulled up the page on her computer and out popped ten tickets, which Stephy quickly snatched away from the woman.

"Thank you," she said, not meaning it.

JD and Voldie lead the pack, followed by Moosk, Sev, Bella, Michael, Stephy, Lucius, Draco, and Pansy. Once again, they were in the first row.

V turned to JD. "What are we watching again?"

Moosk sniggered. "Swan Lake."

"It's a ballet," Bella threw in.

"What's a 'ballet?'" his evilness asked, just as the lights went dim, causing several people around them to hiss, "Shhhhh!"

And the ballet started. And it went well until VD attempted to hex a dancer, which caused him to be hit with three binding spells and eight silencing spells.

And he remained that way as they sat thru ten different shows.

_On the tenth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Ten Swan Lake tickets_

_Nine poems to be read_

_Eight Hokey-Pokey Elmo dolls_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 24**

Voldie was tired of everything. Tired of being pranked. Tired of Christmas. Tired of those bloody Musketeers. Mostly, he was just tired. And so we find him laying on his bed, covered in blankets. It was late and he was worried because the terrible quartet had yet to give him his eleventh Christmas present, which meant that he would most likely be awoken, roughly, once they did bring it.

Thus, he was trying to stay awake. However, it wasn't working too well, probably because of the Sleeping Potion that Moosk had slipped into his pumpkin juice.

_It won't hurt to close my eyes… just for a moment…_

With a snore, Vol rolled over, just as the four quietly snuck into his room, followed by Sev, Bella, Lucius, Draco, Pansy, Goyle, Crabbe and Theodore Knotts. Each carried a rolled up piece of paper under their arm. Without opening her mouth, Moosk motioned where each of them should tack up their poster. After three minutes and several sticking charms, the group snuck out.

_YOU HAD A BAD DAY_

_YOU'RE TAKING ONE DOWN_

_SING A SAD SONG_

_JUST TO TURN IT AROUND_

V-ish shot up in bed, looking around wildly. All around him stood Harry Potter. There were lots of him, all around, everywhere, staring at him and waving.

"_NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

V tried to get out, but couldn't find the door, Harry was blocking it. It was horrible.

_On the eleventh day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Eleven life-size Harry Potter posters_

_Ten Swan Lake tickets_

_Nine poems to be read_

_Eight Hokey-Pokey Elmo dolls_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**December 25**

When they opened (well, undid the spell keeping it closed…) the door to Voldies room in the morning, he was curled into a ball under the bed, mumbling something about hippogriffs and handcuffs. They had just managed to get him out of the room and into the meeting room when JD and Michael came _screeching_ around the corner.

As soon as he saw them, the dark one tried to run, but was unable to escape due to the fact that Moosk had slipped in behind him and placed a sticking charm to his seat. Instead of his normal place at the head of the table, he was seated right in the middle of the table.

JD walked up to her master. "Milord, as an apology for the past few days, we would like to present you with your final gift. So…"

"HAPPY TWELTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS!" everyone yelled. "And congratulations for making it all the way through," they added as an afterthought.

Through the door walked twelve people in elf costumes, their feet making odd noises as they walked. They jumped onto the table, lining up right in front of the dark lord. Music started out of nowhere and they started to dance an Irish jig.

"What the hell is this," Voldie asked.

"Twelve Irish dancers, to improve your mood, milord," Moosk said, patting his head. Suddenly the dancers started singing.

_On the twelfth day of Christmas_

_The Musketeers gave to Voldie_

_Twelve Irish dancers_

_Eleven life-size Harry Potter posters_

_Ten Swan Lake tickets_

_Nine poems to be read_

_Eight Hokey-Pokey Elmo dolls_

_Seven rolls of bubble paper_

_Six pairs of pink underwear_

_Five Barney DVDs_

_Four horseback rides_

_Three Jarveys_

_Two ice cream sundaes_

_And one new Musketeer…_

**A/N: Sorry if the last few weren't so good, I'm was in a rush. I'm actually suppose to be at work right now, but I needed to finish this for ya'll. Special thanks to **Firehorse200 **for the horseback idea and to** zi ma gusto **for the Irish dancers ideas. Hope ya'll enjoyed this years special! My laptop has just gotten fixed, however, it's Austin and I won't get it back until Saturday, but after that, I'll hopefully be able to write more on a regular basis. Happy Hols!**

**PS This is 17 pages on size twelve font, so you better be happy! lolz**

**UPDATE AS OF 1/1/08- I've updated the fact that it's not a Jabberknoll that swears, it's a Jarvey. My bad!**


	39. Nameless Chapter

Voldie was mad. Really mad. Like, so mad that he actually cursed a bunny! That stupid author had been ignoring him for two years, four months, six hours and twenty three minutes and he was sick of it! He stormed through his, erm, castle-house…thing, hunting down the Musketeers, intent on torturing them. After about ten minutes of searching, he ran into Moosk.

"Hey, Tommy-kins, how's it hanging?" she asked, pinching his cheeks.

"Ah, Moosk, just the peon I want to see!" said Tommy-kins, rubbing his hands together delightfully.

"Ew, keep want you do in the bedroom to yourself!" Moosk interrupted. She pinched his cheeks again, _hard_, and said, "Catch ya later then, Tommy-kins!" With a wave, she departed.

The Dork One looked after her, totally confused. A little too late, he yelled, "I WAS TALKING TO YOU, YOU RUDE BINT!" This resulted in nothing more than his robes 'mysteriously' catching on fire. Voldie growled and quickly extinguished the fire and continuing to stalk down his hallways. _I'll get her later_, he thought, not even convincing himself.

Suddenly, three and one quarter minutes later, Stephy appeared in all of her purple glory. The evil Voldiekins jumped and let out a small scream when she emerged from a room.

"Hiya, Tommy-kins," she grinned, pinching his already reddened cheeks. "How's it hanging?"

Voldie grinned his most evil grin. "Ah, Stephy, my dear, how are you?"

Stephy looked up at him, a queer look in her eyes. "Only just realizing how much I'm truly in love with you, milord," she said, a bit breathlessly.

Voldie stared at her in horror and, before he knew what was happening, his royal lameness was smashed into a hug. With even more horror than before, he realized that Moosk had snuck up behind in and was crushing him with the same force as Stephy was. With a scream that carried all the way to a nearby village, he torn apart from the two girls and took off down the hall.

**oh,voldiepoo!**

V-dog decided that perhaps hunting down Musketeers wasn't the best idea he had. Instead, he decided to go to his library and find a book on flowers. He really needed to catch up on his reading. He was six floors from the library when Michael popped out of a room.

"Go away!" he hissed…hissingly…

Michael looked at him like he was nutters. "What are you on about? I just wanted to talk." His eyes started misting up. "It's not easy growing up when you don't have parents around," the Red Musketeer sniffed. V-man looked at him pityingly. He knew how that felt.

"I know how that feels," he said to the sniffing young man. **(I just bloody said that!!!)**

"Can you come in here and talk to me for a bit?" Michael asked, looking up hopefully.

His long-titled-ness' heart broke and he nodded. They moved into the room and Voldie sat in one of the chairs, only to be strapped down by invisible forces! "What's this?!" he screamed.

Michael grinned. "I just wanted to tell you all the latest gossip about my boy, HP."

"You said you lost your parents! I took pity on you! I- Wait, who's HP?" Volds looked so confused.

"I never said I lost my parents," a devilish grin spread over Michaels face, eerily reminding V-ish of JD and Moosk, which caused him to shudder and fight harder against his bonds. "Now, where to begin, Tommy-kins?" Michael thought out loud, pinching the Dark Lords cheeks. They were starting to bruise…

As if on cue, Moosk and Stephy burst into the room, both scrambling to confess their undying love for the Dark One, crooning 'Tommy-kins' at him and squeezing the, er, heck outta him. Michael let this continue for a few minutes before pulling the girls off of their lord and settling them into chairs.

"Did you hear that Harry got his hair cut yesterday," Moosk gushed.

A tear ran from Voldie's eye as they all started talking about Harry bleeding Potter.

**Eh,nothinghere**

After three hours of nonstop HP talk, and much cheek pinching, the Dark Lord managed to escape the three. He was now hiding in his library, reading a book on kittens. Suddenly, he heard a creaking sound. He whipped out his wand, but it didn't matter, JD was already on him.

"Blow," the green clad witch said firmly, holding a tissue to his nose, erm, nostril slits.

The royal pain-in-the-bum stared at her, incredulous. "What…"

JD glared at him. "It's not that hard, Tommy-kins! Blow! YOU HAVE BOOGERS! I hate when people have hangers, so BLOW!" At the last shout, Vol blew with all his might, honking loudly.

"Good job," JD said firmly. She threw the tissue away and pulled some hand sanitizer from her robe pocket, poured a liberal amount on her hand and rubbed her hands together fiercely. She pulled out a lollipop, cherry flavored, of course, and handed it to the evil one. She pinched his cheeks in farewell and left the room without another word. Voldie stared after her, holding his breath for a moment until he was certain she wasn't returning, then heaved a great sigh of relief and returned to his book. He had just settled back into his chair when all four of the Musketeers jumped on him.

"I love you sooo much!"

"Not as much as I do!"

"Love you more than anything!"

"UNDYING!"

"LOVE!"

"GIMME!"

"KISSES!"

"TOMMY-KINS!!!"

There was also much cheek pinching and trying to be forced to blow his nose.

And so it continued for the next two months. He would just be wandering the halls or in a very important DE meeting and they would ambush him, declaring their undying love, pinching his cheeks (so he constantly looked like he was wearing rouge) and trying to make him blow his nose.

_I really hate them…_

**A/N: I know, I'm a horrible updater… You don't even wanna know why there hasn't been anything… But I've already started on the next chapter, so hopefully it won't be long!**


	40. Speed, Journals, and Basilisks, oh my!

**A/N: I was very busy doing nothing today and Voldie came up to me and demanded attention. And, since he demanded it instead of asking, he shall be punished. Several times. In this chapter.**

**Speed, Journals and Basilisks, oh my!**

Voldie stormed outside, looking for his minions. He was massively annoyed. He finally spotted them on the swing set, with Michael pushing JD and Moosk pushing Stephy.

"YOU IDIOTS!" He screeched. The Musketeers looked up. "GET OVER HERE, RIGHT NOW!" They ignored him, continuing to swing. "I said, GET OVER HERE!" he screamed. Still they kept swinging. V-dog sighed. "Fine, stay over there and away from me!" Immediately, he was swarmed by minions, all pestering him.

"Oh, Voldie-poo!" JD yelled, "Wanna play a game?!"

"NO!" Volds screamed, "I want you all to burn!!!"

"Great," Moosk said, "We can play Speed using a deck of Exploding Snap cards." She grinned, "That way, we could possibly get burned if the deck blows."

Voldie thought about if for a moment. "What's speed?"

"It's a card game, duh," Stephy said, rolling her eyes.

"I got that," the evil one snarled with a snarl. "How do you play?"

JD rolled her eyes. "Then why in the name of Queen Elizabeth's' frilly knickers didn't you ask that?"

"I did!" Voldie shouted.

"No, you didn't, you asked 'What's speed?'" Michael said wisely.

"I…" V-dog paused. He suddenly realized that the Musketeers were right. But he would never admit that!!! He turned, making sure his thick robes whacked the four smirking brats. H e was followed by a chorus of "HEY!"

Now it was his turn to smirk! He could hear them following him into the DE meeting room. He sat on his throne and the minions sat near him. Stephy pulled out a pack of Exploding Snap cards and handed them to JD. JD spent sixteen and a half minutes shuffling the cards, doing card tricks, and generally annoying her lord. Finally, she handed the deck to Moosk, who then launched into an explanation of how to play.

"Ok, so you have two sets of five cards on both sides of these two cards, you have fifteen cards next to you-"

That was when the Big V saw it. Right next to Michael. Laying open for all to see. A journal, with 'Tom Marvalo Riddle' written several times on both pages.

He screamed, "What is that?!" and pointed to the offending article. The Musketeers looked to where his shaking finger was pointing. Stephy squealed.

"Oh, there's my journal," she gushed. "I totally forgot I left it in here a couple DE meeting ago!" Michael pushed the journal across the table to her and she picked it up happily.

"What the-"

The author cuts in. "HEY HEY HEY! Watch the language!" Peter-pan-equals-luv cuts in. "I'm not getting into trouble because you have a dirty mouth!"

Voldie glared at her. "You did this to me! I'll kill you!" he screamed, madness glinting in his eyes, which is pretty bad, considering he was already pretty nuts. Living with DE will do that to ya.

Erm, I digress…

Volds whipped out his wand. But, before he could utter a syllable, the author disappeared. She's not stupid, she knows her Voldie-kins would _Avada Kedavra_ in a heartbeat. Voldie sighed and stuck his wand back into his pocket.

He turned back to Moosk. "Let's get on with this," he grouched.

He pulled up his five cards, then realized that he hadn't been listening and had no idea how to play.

"GO!" Moosk shouted, flipping over the two face-down cards that sat in the middle of the two stacks of five cards. She started slamming down cards with surprising speed while Voldie stared at her. Gingerly, he laid down a card.

BOOM!

If Voldie had eyebrows, they would have been gone.

"Frick, I guess I got the extra explosive deck," Stephy said, looking up and biting her lip, before turning back to her 'journal' and decorating an elaborately written 'Tom Marvalo Riddle.' V-dude's eye twitched and made to grab the book. Stephy, without missing a beat, moved it out of his grasped and continued to doodle. Voldie looked like he was going to have another aneurism.

"Aw, come on, V-man," Moosk said, "it's not like you don't have a diary. Actually, why do you have a diary? Seriously, dude, like, what kind of evil wizard has a diary? Fo sho, that's pretty sad."

"It was a Horcrux!" Mouldyshorts shouted. "It's not like I used it for anything else!"

"Psh, yea, right," Stephy snorted, "that's why it had your name imprinted on it!"

"Did not," Vol-vol argued.

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

This went on for several minutes, until JD stopped the conversation she was having with Michael. She had been ignoring the others since she stopped shuffling the deck.

"Hey, Milord?" she shouted over the din. Voldie turned, face red from arguing. "Can I borrow your Basilisk? I have some people that need to die without having a mark on them."

Voldie-poo's eyes starting watering at the mention of his beloved, deceased Basilisk.

JD looked up when V-lord didn't answer. "Oh, I'm sorry, mate, I forgot Harry killed, didn't he? Eh, I'll figure something out." She turned back to the red clad Musketeer.

"Get. Out."

The Fantastic Four (they were just trying it out for size) looked around.

"But, Milord, we still haven't finished playing Speed," Moosk pointed out.

"Fine," he grumbled like a grouch. He settled back into his throne.

888

Several hours and fifty eight games later, the Fantastic Four were _shoved_ out of the DE meeting room.

"AND STAY OUT!" The door slammed behind them.

"It's not my fault he wasn't listening to the rules and lost every game," Moosk giggled. The others laughed. They decided some dinner would be sweet at that point and started to walk to the kitchen. Stephy set her open journal down on the table across from the meeting room and followed the others.

They had just started chowing down when Bellatrix and Lucius entered the kitchen. The pair caught sight of the quartet and were about to leave when Moosk hailed them.

"Oi, Bellatrix, Lucius, here, now," she ordered.

With an air of defeat, they walked over to the table.

"Guess what I heard," JD said in a staged whisper. They shrugged.

"The Dark Lord is a cross dresser!!!"


End file.
